Boys Under Review [OPEN]

I can't breathe(Boyxboy)

Critique status: Random pick.

Book: I can't breathe(Boyxboy)

User: @CheriReherJrgensen

Genre: General Fiction

Reads: 843

Votes: 50

Parts: 10

Summary:
"I have never really thought about life. Of course I have wanted to, but I've never had the time or courage to do so. I think now is about the time."
-=§=-
Eli never realized how much was beyond the limits of normality. He never knew what could happen or how it could or would be fixed; Eli the boy who couldn't breathe.

Critique:

Eli, was a boy who couldn't breathe. Drowning himself in something that could make him forget. Filling himself with poisonous smoke.

This was a short and interesting read. I didn't really know what to think of it at first, but I think I like it. Now, lets get this started.

The title. The only problem I see is that the other words need to be capitalized.

The summary. Keep in mind I read this after I finished the story. It's a bit of a mystery to me and I mean that by slightly confusing. It's not bad, but I don't really understand the point you were trying to get across for the book. It's kind of like a pretty nothing. I would probably have still read the book, but I wouldn't understand you're meaning behind the summary.

I and others can say that characters waking up at the beginning of a story is clichéd and way to over used, but the way you wrote it made me not mind it. Good on you.

The dreaded character description. Something a lot of writers struggle with. Again I'll have to give you credit. It was obvious what you were doing, but to make it into a game was different. I didn't mind it and was a little refreshed with something a little more creative than just a blatant description. The only drawback from this was you hand do twice as much description and we have to read twice as much. So half of it was useless information. I would suggest doing that with someone who is going to stick around in the story. Two birds one stone.

Teasing the reader. With information of course. Chapter one and I had so many questions. Why was Eli an alcoholic? Why did he move? What are these old memories he's alluding to? It's a good way to get the readers interests and let them stew with their own ideas until they are invested in yours story. Although this story is rather short so we don't have to wait to long.

Speaking of teasing. The author also teases in a different way. Good or bad depending on your view point. I am more inclined to applaud them for not going all out with a sex scene. Nice to see some restraint. Hard to find people who write lgbt who can keep the rating pg13 or lower. A sex scene does not a good story make.

Eli and Adams relationship. I feel like there is something lacking. They have been seeing each other for a while, but I don't feel a connection with it. Maybe it is because about every time they are together it is always sexual or leads to a sexual situation. All I know about Adam is he still lives with his religious family. The time skip and no meaningful interactions for the reader makes it seem to fast. I didn't get the time to get a connection with them and their relationship. If I had the ending would have had more of an impact on me. It would have been nice to see more of a reason why he fell in love with Adam, or Adam Eli.

There's just one thing that really bugged me. So, Eli killed his ex boyfriend out of self-defense. He was an abusive a-hole, but Eli still killed someone. I'm no expert in law or anything, but wouldn't the police be looking for Eli? There would surely be DNA samples, the murder weapon. Someone had to know he lived there, or that they were together. If he fled that would look suspicious. Which leads me into my next segment. They brought him in to question about Adams disappearance. If they bring him in and put his name in the system, because I'm sure they would do some kind of background on him, surely something, or another would come up. Then come the whole taking him into custody because Adam's mom accused him. I don't remember them meeting, or bumping into one another during the story. It seemed out of the blue. Anyways, when they take him in they might cuff him. He does seem to be the only suspect, but I'm no expert. That's something you'll have to look into. That being said if he is theoretically cuffed how is he suppose to punch an officer and flee? He is in a police station I think running would be suspicious. Someone would probably try to stop him. What about the other guy that was in the room to deliver bad news. Wouldn't he try to stop him or call for help? Either way he escaped way to easily.

Now comes the ending of the story. Adam turns up dead; drown in a lake. Ironic? Initially I had no clue what I had just read the first time that I had read it. I reread the last three chapters. So this is my theory of what happened because it was not spelled out. Adam grew up gay and in a religious family hiding his identity. Probably hated or didn't like himself or that part of himself very much. The last time Eli saw him he was crying, upset, and just the way he talked showed how there was something wrong. This is all guesses, but I think Adam killed himself. I mean he could have been a victim of wrong place wrong time, or a hate crime, or an accident. The author didn't specify so there is no set in stone answer. A sad ending, but both of those boys were troubled, and not everyone gets a happily ever after.

Morals of the story:
1. Alcohol and cigarettes don't actually help you fix your problems only hides them.

2. Do the extra research if you don't know about something; everyone will appreciate it. You'll be one less person spreading misinformation.

Note to the author:
Just keep swimming. I know, I know, I have a bad sense of humor.

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The end of yet another critique. I know the silent readers are just so eager to comment. Sarcasm aside, time to wrap this up. I hope the author or anyone reading this finds it helpful. I encourage all of you to go read this story to form your own opinions and ideas. Correct me if I made any mistakes. Thank you everybody for reading, and stay tuned for the next critique it just might be yours.