Boys Under Review [OPEN]

The Divine Summoner (bxb)

Critique Status: Random pick.

Book: The Divine Summoner (bxb)

Genre: Fantasy

User: @JayYes

Reads: 40.8k

Votes: 2.44k

Parts: 31

Summary:
A story of a young magician as he journeys to find the truth about himself and to unlock his true potential.

A/N A new story. I know i havent finished Lust yet but i promise you, im also working on it together with this one.

BLURB:
Short and to the point. The problem is that its the most generic thing you could have written. Plus the author's note which I will discuss later.

COVER:
I don't have any problem with it. I might have used different font or a bigger font. I think other books have this same type of cover. If you want to stick out you might want to get a different book cover.

CRITIQUE:
Want to point out before I start that I know English isn't your first language. Also, that you were, or are, still in college. Both of those can give you some leeway, but that doesn't get you a free pass. One day you're going to have to go to Wal-Mart, and start paying your dues for all the things you got during Christmas. In other words fixing the mistakes. These mistakes can cost you votes, and reads depending on the reader who picked up the book.

THE DREADED A/N:
We all know them, and most of us hate them. All I can say is, dont -just don't. The first one is in the description which makes it look messy. Not to mention full of errors. The second is in the middle of a chapter. Possibly the worst place to put one. If you really have to put one in then stick it at the begining or end of a chapter. Think of it like this. Your reading your favorite book, and there is someone who keeps trying to talk to you. Annoying right? Please don't tell me I have to spell this out for you? Author's notes are only good for breaking whatever immersion your reader had. Don't be the person that is bugging the other person who is trying to read.

FIRST PERSON DOES NOT EQUIAL OMNESENT:
Now on to the first chapter. Lets talk about the character being self-aware that there is an audience to talk to. Most characters wouldn't even know that they are characters. So it's a little weird when the main character acknowledges the audience. No less to tell them the obvious that this isn't our world, or how we know it. Not only is it weird, but your just stating the obvious of what we have already gathered. Unless there is some narration going on there shouldn't be any awareness. Why would he even call his world weird or not normal? He was born and raised in that world, it should be normal. This is an excerpt, "You may think, how is it able to do that? As you can see, this word is not the normal world you are accustomed to. A world were magic exsists." This might be something in a prologue, or the very begining of a story. Not only that it would not be said by the main character who is apart of that world and only knows their world. Unless he has traveled through different dimensions and has come from the future this is pretty weird.

Chapter twenty nine. If Skylar is sleeping, and gets cured by the earring his brother gave him, then he is not going to know. If he doesn't know, then how the heck can he tell the audience? This is not how first person is written. Your character isn't an omniscient narrator so he shouldn't be having an omniscient moment. This basically means that your character doesn't know everything, and shouldn't be able to think about what happened. An idea to fix this is someone saw him while he was sleeping, and told him when he woke up. Maybe his brother checked up on him for some reason.

WITH ALL MY HEART:
What do you mean by its heart can upgrade your weapon? All I can imagine is a videogame screen popping up and asking if I want to upgrade my bow with this Season Dear heart. Do you mean enchant it? Don't go in to great detail, but something more than 'it can upgrade your weapon,' would be nice.