the time i lost everything

how it began

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I've done nothing for the past week because it has been the rainiest spring in twenty years. It isn't the type of rain that you can sit outside on your porch and watch for hours. Not the type of rain that you see in romance movies that you could dance in. Not the type of soft rain that you would want non-stop for days on end on the last week of the break before graduating.

I was meant to spend this break going to movies and parties and socialising. Shopping and going places. Finding friends and falling in love. But no, of course lucky Josie Parker gets to sit in a small room with her brother all break.

My brother Ethan and I share a room because my mother and father cannot afford three bedrooms so we are stuck in this two bedroom apartment with a stove and a lousy broken cupboard as a kitchen. A house where you can open the door to the bathroom from the dinner table. It may be small but it is home to us and we sure have made it a home. My fathers crazy paintings of children's imaginary friends are on every wall. He goes around children's hospitals asking them to describe their imaginary friends and paints them for the children. He donates all the money he earns to the hospitals. My mothers baking supplies are strewn everywhere. She bakes every day while Ethan and I are at school and while my dad is out painting. She bakes everything but specialises in her famous apple and sage cakes. She makes them every weekend to commemorate the loss of her mother, Grandma Sage. Ethan and I have very obvious specific sides to our room, half the walls are painted a navy blue with a paler blue "E" painted by my father above Ethan's bed. My side of the room however is a pale blue wall with a dark blue J above my bed.

Ethan has old guitars and music sheets on the walls and all over his side but my walls are covered with photos. Hundreds upon hundreds of them. They aren't pictures of my friends or of all the amazing places I've been to but instead they are all close ups of nature. Trees, grass, flowers, anything I see growing outside I get an instant urge to photograph. Photography gives me a buzz that I don't get from anything else. When I get the perfect photo with just the right focus and lighting I cannot help but add it to my collection. My wall has become one massive collage of all the beautiful things I find outside.

From what I have mentioned so far I may seem like I am a really dorky loner who sits in the corner and talks to no one and can always be found with her nose a book. Despite my weird interests, I actually have some great friends. My best friend Fiona is one of the only things that means more to me than my photos. I don't know what I would do without her. She is the kind of person who can make you smile when you are having the worst day of your life. She is the kind of person who would text you every hour just to make sure you were doing alright. She is the kind of person who would take a bullet for you a minute after meeting you. I love her more than anything.

But not the way she thinks.

And most definitely not the way a best friend should.

I love her. Like love love her. This sounds like the beginning of a really cheesy romance movie but it's true. I dream of her every night. Her glossy golden blonde hair falling effortlessly around her perfect sun kissed skin. Her rosy lips pulled into that pearly smile that makes boys swoon from miles. Her soft hands interlocked with mine. Although my dreams make me feel as fuzzy and warm, I always get a stabbing pain of guilt when I remember that she doesn't like me like that. She is as straight as can be and I know it.

This is were my story begins.

I woke up that morning to sixteen missed calls from my mother. It is normal for someone to be really scared when something like that happens, right? I immediately go through a timeline in my head of what I possibly could have done wrong to make my mother mad at me.