the time i lost everything

how i kept smiling

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It's been four weeks since my baby brother died in hospital and since I was raped by my best friend's boyfriend. It has been a pretty rough week. I couldn't bring myself to go to school yesterday. I didn't want to have to look at Will and remember how my whole life just got worse in one night. I didn't want to have to look at Fiona knowing that my eyes were swollen from crying. I didn't want her to worry about me. I hadn't even told her about Ethan and if I told her now she would hate me for not trusting her enough to tell her. Maybe she would think that I was lying for attention.

I woke up at lunch time today and as soon I stood up and started walking to the kitchen, I felt a sudden weakness and fell to the floor. While on the floor I threw up and then lay there too scared to move in case I threw up again. Unsure why I felt this sickness, I went to the kitchen and took a bite of one my mothers pies from yesterday morning. I then got flashbacks from that night with Will and how he wanted to so badly to make me see that I should like males. His way of persuading me wasn't very effective. If anything, it completely put me off guys.

Two days later I am still feeling sick and I have no idea why. The only thing I can think of is that night with Will. That night with Will... could it be? I ran down to the pharmacy immediately without even getting dressed. I picked up the first test I could find, paid for it and asked to use the bathroom. Ten minutes passed and the pharmacist had knocked on the door and asked if I was alright. I unlocked the door and pushed it open for her to come in. I was sitting on the floor of the bathroom crying with the pregnancy test in my hand.

Positive.

Then the worst thing that could possibly happen to me at this point happened. I heard the bell for the Pharmacy door ring and in walked Will. Oh god. I wiped my face and straightened my pyjamas out. I tried my hardest to avoid him seeing me but just as I was walking out the door he caught my eye. "Jo? Is that you?"

I stopped and swivelled around on my heels wanting nothing to do with Will. It was bad enough that I was carrying his child. Should I tell him? He probably doesn't want  to know. Would he want me to keep it? Did he do this on purpose so that we would have to raise a child together?

I feel sick at the thought of him forcing a life into me so that I would have to pretend to love him for the sake of my child. The thought of raising a son or daughter knowing that deep down I didn't ask for him or her and didn't even want them. I imagine one day sitting down at a kitchen table when their father is out and having to tell them that they are the result of rape. Would I have the guts to do that? Every time I looked at my own child I would think that this should have been my best friends child. I stole my best friends child and I didn't even know it.

I realise that I've fallen into another one of my trances and I reply "Yeah. I'm sorry but I have to get back to my Ma, she isn't feeling to good."

And with that I leave.

I go home and take the second test in the pack and just as I hoped it wouldn't, it came out positive again. Again I am struck with the question. Do I keep it? If I don't want to keep it then I'd have to tell someone about that night. If I was going to tell someone then we would be taken to court and in court, all the facts would be against me. I never said no to him and I didn't put up too much of a fight. That leaves me with a decision. Either have an abortion and kill an innocent and unborn child or keep the child and probably have to drop out of school on the last term before graduating.

I wouldn't feel right with the knowledge that I just stopped any chances of someone having a life. He or she could be the curer of cancer, the first astronaut to discover a habitable planet, the greatest President there ever was, or could be nothing at all. It's my choice.

I have to keep him or her.

If I'm going to have a child then I need to at least tell my parents. Eventually they would start noticing. I'd have weird habits and I'd probably stop going to school, not to mention my abdomen would be growing by the week to make room for life.

I look over to my brothers bed. I think to myself again how selfish I have been. My brother has barely been gone a week and I am already thinking of starting to welcome a new family member. How could I replace my brother so quickly. Every night since his death I've been crying myself to sleep. I start to think back to when I saw those missed calls from my mother before she told me the bad news. Then I remember something. There was a voicemail from Ethan to but I never opened it.

I sprinted to the kitchen and grabbed my phone. In my rush to open it, I mistyped my password multiple times and ended up locking it for five minutes. All I could do was sit there and try to imagine what he could have said in the message. Was he just sending his love because he knew it was the end for him? Was he telling me something important that he meant to tell me later in life? Was he trying to call me and get me over to the hospital so he could see my face before he left me forever? I thought out what seemed like a million different scenarios, each one worse than the next.

Then I picked up the phone as soon as it unlocked and slowly typed in my password as to not mess it up again. I cried when I saw my wallpaper was still a picture of Ethan and I hugging. My mother had taken the picture without us knowing when we were watching a movie. Ethan and I were inseparable. We were the closest siblings you'd ever meet. The image was photographic proof that our fondness wasn't just an act we put of when our relatives visited or when we were in public. We truly were great friends.

I swiped left on my home screen until I saw the phone icon. I clicked it cautiously and pressed on the voicemail Ethan left that night. I turned the volume up the whole way and pressed the phone to my ear. I held my hand over my mouth so that I could hear his voice over the my muffled cries.

"Hey Jo. I tried calling you but I just wanted to let you know that you mean the world to me. Whatever happens tonight I want you to never forget me. But don't let the memory of me put your life on hold. Keep smiling. Keep living. Keep loving. Yours forever, Ethan Parker."

That night I replayed the voicemail over and over until I fell asleep to his voice whispering those sweet words into the microphone. Who would have thought that a ten second audio file could make the rosy week of my life seem manageable? Well he managed to do it. Ethan was the sunshine on a rainy day that seemed to last forever. That's how I kept smiling.

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