the time i lost everything

how i kept loving

I'm really sorry that ive been really inactive lately. I'm gonna try and update regularly know as i have a co-writer/editor. Make sure you follow thirdana who will be helping me write this. We have a lot of ideas and we can't wait to write. Thank you so much for 100+ reads. It means so much !!

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[thirdana]

I kept reliving it. Reliving that moment. Reliving those four words.

Let's keep the baby.

I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know if I should be happy. Happy that he accepted me. He accepted the baby. Or be scared. Live in fear. Fear that I was carrying my best friend's boyfriend's child. Fear that everyone else won't accept me for who I am. For what I've done. People wouldn't know the whole story and would judge me for being so young. But no matter what I felt I still kept loving. I still kept living. Still those words were embedded into me

He hasn't talked to me much after that day, and when he did it wasn't about the baby. Sometimes I felt like maybe he didn't mean those four words. Maybe he didn't want this. Because when you look at everything together it didn't look right. There was always something wrong with the picture. But I didn't know what. But still I kept holding on. I kept smiling through everything.

It was Saturday today and I thought maybe it was time. Time to tell my mother. Time to tell her about everything. But maybe not everything everything. I can't even begin to imagine what her reaction would be if I had told her about Will and the child. My mother comes from a  reasonably religious family so my sexuality would be enough of a drastic change for her. She was already going through so much after Ethan had....

I couldn't say it. I just couldn't say it. He was gone. He was really gone. No. He's not gone. I have to keep reminding myself about what he said in that everlasting message. Keep loving through everything. Everything. And that's what I was going to do. I would keep loving. I will tell my mother. And I would keep loving whether she accepted the fact or not.

The day I went to tell her, there was an eerie silence in the house. My mother sat there looking out the window blankly like she did on most days. She didn't do much of anything anymore. I never saw her leave the house and if she did it was late at night to collect the mail while avoiding the neighbours.

Now that I think about it, I had been quite selfish these last few weeks. Just because Ethan was my brother, I felt like I was the only one who his ... loss ... had had an effect on. I never stopped and thought for a second about how my own mother had lost her baby boy. That is more pain than anyone should ever have to feel in a lifetime let alone having to face that loss without having someone to talk to.

"Mum?" I said as I walked into her room quietly. She didn't look back at me. She just kept staring blankly ahead.

"Mom?" She ignored me again.

"Mother, i know you can hear me, so...I'm just going to say it. I don't care if you accept it or not but this..this is who I am." She continued ignoring me.

"Mum...I'm... I'm..." The words danced on the tip of my tongue but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't say it. "Mum...I'm..."

Just say it Josie. "I think I prefer girls."

She turned around. "Mother I don't care what you think. I know you're religious and all but this is who I am and I can't change that. If you're not ok then I'm...I'm afraid you have to deal with it."

"Josie...I.."

"No Mum I get it–"

"No that's not it. I'm happy for you."

"Wait what?"

"I'm happy for you Josie Parker. I really am."

"But I thought..."

"I was religious. That was all for your grandmother. Can I tell you something?"

"Um yeah" I replied still in shock from her earlier comment

"When I was your age, I was the same. I thought I was bi. I told my mother and she didn't accept it. She made me get married at the age of twenty. That's why I'm still quite young. And for her I tried to be religious."

"So you aren't mad?"

"Of course not. I was just like you. If only Ethan was he was here for this news."

Ethan.... he always wanted the best for me. He was always happy for me. He knew....he knew I liked my best friend. I missed him. I miss him a lot. It's not easy losing a sibling. Let alone a twin.... I told him everything. Now my mother would be where he was. Now my mother would be there for me.

"Mother it's going to be ok. I'll be your Josie and your Ethan. I'll be here to fill the hole in your heart."

And then my mother started crying. "You're like the best friend I never had

And now my mother was going to be my new best friend. One that I wouldn't feel guilty about. And in a way having my mother as a best friend, meant I didn't have to see Fiona much and feel guilty for everything I did to her. Having my mother as my friend can heal the wound that Ethan left when he.....

Ethan. I told him everything. Everything.

To me Ethan was male than a brother. more than a twin. more than a best friend. he was like a free health care professional. spomsored by priceline pharmacy

"Mum I need to tell you something else. while we are being all honest to each other..."

"Oh Jo, you know you can tell me anything" she said with a warm smile

I was going to tell her. I was going to tell her that I was pregnant. Pregnant with my best friend's boyfriend. The same best friend I was in love with. And this.... this was not gonna be the same as me coming out. This may just ruin my entire life. Here I go...

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A/N: hey what do you guys feel about Ethan X Josie like #twincest. Just kidding guys. But like tell me what if you do ya know....IM KIDDING. MAKE SURE YOU VOTE AND COMMENT OK BYEEEE

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