the time i lost everything

how it got worse

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I arrived to school after missing the first period and was ambushed by questions from Fiona the second she saw me.

"Oh my god Jo. Where were you! You've never missed class before! I thought you had died!" She shouted as she ran to me.

I stood there in silence wanting so badly to have the courage to tell her that it wasn't me who had died. I couldn't do it though. I wanted so badly to just fall to the floor in tears and wait until I could recreate the scene from Alice in Wonderland where Alice floats in her tears. I don't think it would take very long for me to flood the hallway with the indescribable amounts of pain I feel. I wanted so bad to run to her and hug her and tell her every last detail about my brother. I wanted so bad to just pour all of my feelings into her so that she could help me to handle them. But I couldn't. Fiona looked so happy that I didn't want to ruin her day not to mention ruining her last term until graduation. 

"Anyway, how was your break? You'll never guess what happened to me!" She said squealing.

"My break was just wet. What happened Fi?" I said glumly. Usually I would be squealing too at even the mention of some great gossip or event but I couldn't help but show no emotion that pure misery. It was true about what I said about my break being wet though. Not just the weather. My pillow was damp from tears. There are tissues soaked from sadness. Even things that we haven't touched since the news look wet and cold. Dads paintings look dull and grey and all of my mothers baking is burnt and tasteless.

"Will asked me out!" She shouted before apologising to the teacher passing by my locker who held her ear in pain.

This time I couldn't help but feel happy for her. It kills me to think of my Fi going out and loving someone else but then again, I have never even told Fiona how I feel about her so how can I blame her?

"No way! What did you say?" I said in the chirpiest and most upbeat voice I could pull off.

"Duh Jo, I said yes! I don't know if he even really likes me all that much though..." she said. Her saying this made me feel like she was just begging for me to compliment her or tell her that she was perfect so I did exactly that. Because it is true.

"You are the most beautiful, most talented, most charismatic person I've ever met. Everyone loves you and would do anything for the privilege that is your company. Remember that." I said before being almost suffocated in her embrace.

The rest of school day was pretty normal. Nothing changed physically but on the inside I was falling apart. Every time a teacher called my name for the role I felt guilty because I felt like I was hiding something from them. Every time a student smiled and waved at me between classes I felt a pang of guilt wave over me because I was lying to them by smiling back. When someone asked me how my holidays were I just cracked a fake smile and said "great, thank you" but I hated it on the inside because I was keeping a secret that some people deserved to know. A few of Ethan's friends even came up to me and asked why he had missed school. This killed me the most. I felt like the nurse telling my mother the worst news she could hear. I guess I'd make a pretty horrible nurse though because I just shrugged and said "I'm not sure, he should be here." I couldn't even work up the courage to tell his best friends that he had died.

After school, Fiona caught up to me just as I was closing my locker. It wasn't just her though, attached to her arm was one of the most gorgeous guy I'd ever laid eyes on. He was the Troy Bolton of our school and he was dating my best friend.