the time i lost everything

how i kept living

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There were so many times in the few weeks following the day that I found out I was pregnant that I wanted to just crawl into a hole in the ground and stay there forever. Obviously I didn't. The baby kept me living. I thought that I have to keep living another eight months and get this baby out of me and then I won't feel so bad if I die. I couldn't end my life to get out of the pain because in doing so I would also be killing Wills child. But then again, he'd never know.

Thinking of which, he still doesn't know that he is going to be a father (unless he planned this). He has the right to know. He might have planted this burden inside of me without my knowledge but it is still his too and he has the right to know the existence of him or her. I decided I was going to arrange for Will and Fiona to meet me at the cinemas. It would be a great way to get Will to realise what an amazing person Fiona is and it would mean I would get some alone time with Will without it seeming too suspicious.

During the beginning of every movie I've ever seen with Fiona, she has always needed to use the bathroom right at the beginning, meaning that I'd have to inform her on what was happening in the first five minutes while still trying to enjoy the movie. Usually I would get annoyed by this but now it would create the perfect time frame for Will and I to have our ... chat.

I texted Fiona the details and she immediately agreed. Perfect.

I managed to get through another week of school without having a mental breakdown. It was Friday and after school, Fiona and Will would meet me in the parking lot of the cinemas. It was during that school day that I finally started to contemplate all the things that could possibly go wrong.

Fiona mightn't go to the bathroom.
Will might not show up.
Fiona might overhear us talking.
Will might freak out and cause a scene.
And the list continues

By the end of the last period, I had gone through every imaginable scenario including a bombing and even me having a nine-month-early birth right then and there during a film. I just had to commit to my plan and get it over and done with.

Finally the time had come. The time spent standing in the parking lot and waiting for the father of my child and my love interest was the longest five minutes of my life. But like everything, the minutes eventually ended. I saw them walk up and I immediately felt so sorry for both of them. I could see by the way Fiona looked at Will that she really liked him and that she was completely unknowing of the events that happened between Will and I. I felt sorry for Will because he thought he was just catching up with us but little did he know that he was about to find out about his own child forming inside me as he approached.

Just like I planned, Fiona left as soon as the title screen showed the name of the film and that left the perfect time for Will to face the truth. I slid into the chair to my right that Fiona had been sitting in and leaned over the armrest to Will. He looked perplexed. I usually avoided him at school and whenever he waved in the hallways or smiled at me through a window I would throw daggers at him win my eyes and continue on with my list of scenarios. For me to be interacting with him like this on purpose must be completely strange to him. I continued anyway.

I spoke quietly "We need to talk"
"What about?" He replied as if there was anything else to talk about between us.
"Something happened that night and you deserve to know" I whispered so quietly that I thought he mightn't have heard me. He was silent for a good few seconds. I looked across to him to see if he heard me and then he answered.
"Don't tell me you're.. please don't say that you're.. y'know.." he trailed off.
"If by "y'know" you mean carrying your child, then yes , Will. I'm pregnant and we need to talk about what to do."

He stood up.

Oh great. Just what I need. He is going to go crazy and cause a riot in the middle of a cinema. But then he grabbed my shoulder and led me outside the room.

I explained to him how I found out and what I'd been thinking about. All he could manage to do was nod with his head in his hands. I left him there to think and went back inside to find Fiona had come back in through the other entrance. Fiona sat and enjoyed the movie as I sat there in my seat sweating and just waiting for Will to walk back in and announce it to entire room.

When the lights turned back on after the movie, I shot up and out my seat and dashed out the door to find Will sitting against the wall in the same position I left him more than an hour ago. Fiona came out not long after me and thought nothing of the sight of her boyfriend. She hoisted him up and waved goodbye as they strolled away hand in hand. Will turned around just before they turned the corner and mouthed the words "Text me"

Later than night I got a text from Will. Only four words but they couldn't have been more self explanatory. There are only a rare few four worded sentences that you might hear that can really play with your emotions. I've heard some pretty harsh and moving words but never did I expect to receive these four words from him.

The four words?

Let's keep the baby.

What could I possibly do now. Will had just decided that for the next eight months, I had to stay alive in order to grow our child. That is how I kept living.

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