Life Detangled

I Am Who I Am

Dear person reading this,

I have made mistakes and if you are going to judge me? Feel free to stop reading. This is from a while back when my life was having a lot of trouble. This is a rant I wrote after being told I was worthless, a bitch and many other vulgar names..

**Caution, contains language**

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"I bet you date like 50 guys at a time!"

Have you ever heard that? ... I have... I hear a lot of stupid rumours and I try never to listen or believe them. Then there are those rumours that you just keep hearing and suddenly you just kind of snap inside. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to be confused about stuff? Oh wait!? I am so! I'm a teenager and I know I'm allowed to be confused. All teenagers are allowed to be confused.

All teenagers fall apart at some point in their lives! You can't tell me who I've dated and who I like... I get confused. I do stupid things. I. Make. Mistakes. That's life.. but not many people see it as that.

People see it as a reason to judge us. To hurt us. To earn out trust and then stab us in the back.. Do people not see what the simplest words, the simplest actions can do to a person? Even jokes go too far these days! Sure, you laugh but what happens later when you're alone? You remember all the jokes. All the funny comments. You remember everything bad but never the good. Humans are programmed to feel the need to be "perfect" societies version of perfect... It tears people apart.

We judge and fight.

When do we love?

When do we have faith?

When do we speak out?

When do we realize we are perfect in someone else's eyes?

Sure, maybe you aren't religious but you're still perfect to that one person who's always staring at you. It doesn't matter who we are, we are loved by so many people. We as humans... We're programmed to wanna fix all the broken things. Either that, or we shut down. We let others take advantage of us... We think that if we're weak then we'll get trampled.

So we fight everything and everyone. We set up blocks in our mind, we block the pain from getting in.. But in that we're blocking the love too.

Someone told me I wouldn't know what depth was if I was stuck at the bottom of the ocean.. To that person I say this; Thank you. You think you're better than me, go ahead and think that. Maybe you are but maybe you're not. Thank you for pushing me so hard, for bending me so badly that scars remain. You helped me learn something: you can't trust anyone until they see you break and want to die. You taught me that I need to stand up and just walk away. You can call me a chicken, say I'm walking away from the fight but that's the thing; I DON'T WANT THE FIGHT! I'm sick of fighting and trying to one up with comebacks. I'm weak, so what? At least I'll admit it.

So yes, I'm a teenager. I make mistakes and get into trouble. That's life and I accept it. You can bend me all you want.. But I will never be broken. I will be so bent I think I'm broken but I will never be broken.

I will fight for myself. For my family. For my true friends. Anyone else who feels they aren't real friends? Who know they are hiding stuff from me? Please, kindly exit my life immediately. I'm happy whether you want me that way or not. I've got people who believe in me. I'm learning to believe in myself too. I have hope in who I am.