One Word

Façade

I am loosing my feelings. They are slipping away from my control and I can feel myself breaking away peice by peice as she takes control. I try so hard to contain the pain i feel when i look at my friends at there is no trust there, the guilt I feel when i look at my boyfriend and there is no love in my eyes or fulfilment in my heart. Sometimes I have to fake being happy so they dont know that I just want to cry. I want to sit in the corner of my room, with the lights of and just cry. I want to cry for all of people i had to lie to too get to the hole of a place I am at now. For all of the people i have hurt for the satisfaction of her. I want to cry because everyday i wake up I can feel myself breaking and I just want to knock the rest of my self down. So i dont have to watch it slowly crumble before my eyes and the person I've been trying to hide for so long escape. The monster that cares for no one. The monster that will rip away what's left of the humanity I so desperately cling to and kill the rest of the goodness that has been buried so deep down inside my self in fear of letting it go. I can't let her escape so I put my mask on, I put my facade on and I smile. Because I know, the more i smile to my friends, the more I smile to my family, the more I smile to the one's that claim to love the 'real' me, the more i know that they won't ask questions when I finally disappear. On that day, I will only be a monster that belonged to a facade of a girl.