This World is not my Home *Austin Carlile adoption*

Chapter 10

-Spencer's POV- 


I leaned hard against the door, sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't believe I let this happen. I couldn't believe they found out. The door vibrated against my back, they guys voices yelling at me to open the door. The yelling made me want to die. All their voices moulding together and falling in my ears. 

I shook purely of fear and anxiety, not to mention the pounding on the door. I cried and cried, letting sobs shake my body to the core. Slowly the yelling and banging persisted to only one voice, Alan's. 

"It just me," his voice soothed my pain, persuading me to open the door. "Please let me in." 

My shaking had subsided but tears still pooled down my flushed cheeks. I used all the strength I had to raise my body. Turning and leaning my forehead against the door, contemplating for and against opening the door. My hand found the handle and rested on it. 

"Please." His voice sounded strained and pleading. I turned the handle pulling it open. Arms quickly wrapped around me and the door was shut behind Alan. I burrowed my head into his chest as he rocked my body back and fourth, whispering soothing thoughts in my ear.  

He pulled me back onto the couch and let go of me, I shivered at the lack of warmth his body gave me. He eyes searched mine. Concern was clear on his face but he tired to hide it, he tried hard to hide his fear too.

"Why?" 

That was a good question. Why.  I was saved, saved by people who love me to no end. They constantly tell me how wonderful I am, they praise me. It was something that not many could understand. My distorted reality. My fucked up mind. People could preach to me, how I was a goddess, how I was practically a god. People could worship me and I still wouldn't believe them. I physically couldn't stop, many believe it's just something that you can control and for many people it was, but me? No way. 

I looked into his eyes, shaking my head and shrugging. He wouldn't understand, nobody could. I was honestly really fucked in the head. Making empty promises to ease others pain and create my own personal hell. 

A sigh escaped his lips, a frown on his face.

"Austin's worried sick, along with me and the others." 

I almost laughed. As selfish as it sounds I really didn't care. People don't deserve to worry about me, I was nothing, just an annoying, stupid worthless kid. 

"He tore apart the bathroom, he found them. They're gone, you know he's gonna watch you like a hawk now. You're basically his kid, he loved you to no end and your breaking his heart."

At this point I wasn't sure what to worry about, the fact that I hurt Austin or the fact that my blades were gone. I knew I could repair Austin, I could ease his pain and worrying, I was good at that so my selfish mind wandered to how I could get more razors, where to hide them and where to hide new cuts. 

Wow I really was messed up, I should honestly be dead. I shouldn't be worrying people as bothering them anymore, geeze. 

I sighed, looking at Alan. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered, although I knew I really wasn't sorry for anything.  

"Please stop." He whispered back, nuzzling his head into my shoulder. I almost rolled my eyes. 

"Okay, I'll try."  I lied through my teeth. There used to be times where I was actually motivated to stop, where I really thought I could but after so many relapses and broken promises it was easier this way, easier just to carry in with my sins.

I shut my eyes and leaned into his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Something I wished I could live without, a heart.