Hopelessly Devoted

Chapter 32

Chapter 32
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I took a deep breath and began.

"I, um... I actually do have a brother." I looked down to avoid his facial expression. He was probably mad that I had lied to him before.

"We were as close as a brother and sister could be. I remember when I was 5, our parents would take us places and we would stay together the entire time because we had so much fun with each other," I smiled at the memories and felt the tears starting to come on.

"But um, we started to grow apart when we were about 10 or so. Actually, he started to separate himself from the entire family.

Kids picked on him at school, and he slowly drifted farther and farther away from us as the years went by.

When he was a senior in high school, I was a freshman. He had reached an all time low at that point." I felt the knot in my throat grow. I was trying to get the next part out of my system but I just couldn't say it. I shed a tear and I quickly wiped it away.

"Um, one night, uh... um..." I placed my hand on my forehead as I took a deep breath.

"One night, after he had skipped breakfast and lunch that day, he skipped dinner. My dad went in to comfort him and..." tears were streaming down my face at this point.

"And he stabbed my father." I took a pause. I had never felt such overwhelming anxiety, now that I was reliving it.

"My mom ran up the stairs and screamed at the top of her lungs. Everything was such a blur, I... I couldn't process anything that was happening.

I followed her up the stairs and when I saw it... him..." I stopped and put a hand over my face as I cried the most painful silent cry that I had since it happened.

The only thing that was keeping me from going unconscious because of the anxiety, was the fact that I could feel Ashton's presence right next to mine. Subconsciously, it made me feel safe.

"My brother was arrested, after he tried to kill us also. I remembered as he was getting taken away, that I had seen him take the knife from the kitchen earlier that day. And I could have stopped it." I took a couple deep breaths and cried even harder into my hands.

I hadn't audibly sobbed in years, but that almost made my crying even more painful. It always felt as though all this pressure was building up in my head that I couldn't cry out, even when tears streaked my face. The sound of my small, broken gasps for air in between my silent sobs made me feel almost embarrassed. I hated crying in front oof people, but for some reason I just couldn't stop my body from shaking and taking over this time.

I felt myself getting pulled into someone as warm arms wrapped around me. I leaned into them, accepting the embrace.

"Fuck." I heard Ashton whisper to himself.

I had been so touch starved without even really knowing it, but the feeling of him hugging me almost made me cry by itself. I always acted so strong and independent, but it was mainly to trick myself into feeling that way. In this moment I just let myself be vulnerable and take in his embrace. After a little while of this, I finished to story.

"After that, my mom got on drugs and alcohol. I raised myself, kept our house, saved the last pieces of my life. I switched schools a couple times, and we moved a few times, and my mom didn't even notice any of it because she was drunk 24/7.

And a little over a year and a half ago, I, uh.." I paused, trying to find the strength to bring it up without shrinking in on myself. "Let's just say that my mom had to spend a lot of money to save my life when I tried to take it," I felt him still even more beside me. "Sometimes if she's really drunk she'll bring it up and I, just.." I stopped, letting out a breath and shaking my head as another tear fell numbly from my eyes.