Hopelessly Devoted

Chapter 50

Chapter 50-
• • •

There are moments in time
When it feels as though time doesn't exist at all.
When the clocks stop turning
And the wind stops blowing
And the thunder leaves the storm.
Like the eye of a hurricane.

Though, these moments are not peaceful
They're not soft or serene.
They're just... void.

There are moments that the only words you can think to describe them is empty, or numb.
Void of emotion, void of life.
The most simple elements of life suddenly lack meaning

It's hard to piece together the puzzle pieces,
To understand if what you are feeling is truly nothing,
Or everything.
Just all at once and amplified to the point you can't hear any of it.
To the point you can't even hear yourself think,
Or breathe.

Stepping out of these moments,
Is just that.
Stepping into a hurricane.
Choosing between feeling something, anything,
Even if it's a fucking hurricane..
Or staying in that void.
That painful, fucking void
That's only painful because of the lack of pain.

There are moments in life
That make you feel like
life's not worth
Living.

~

Leaving the hospital, I felt more defeated than ever. My footsteps echoed around me, closely mirrored by Ashton's right behind me.

The wind whipping past my face would normally feel refreshing, like a breath of fresh air.

Not today.

I blinked back tears, my heart heavy in my chest. It felt like I was carrying a 1000 pound weight strapped to my chest, literally suffocating me. It took effort to take each breath, my lungs feeling as though they would collapse around each other.

I wish I could say I felt overwhelmingly sad, even angry for that matter. But I just felt so empty. I felt like there was a hole missing from my heart that couldn't be filled.

He didn't speak, aware of my storming brain. Aware that at that moment, I wouldn't listen to anything he said.

When we were in the car, he finally spoke.

"There's still hope," he said softly. I just continued to stare at the dashboard. I had run out of tears, so I couldn't even cry out whatever the fuck I was feeling, if anything at all.

"Fuck hope." My words came out more venomous than I had intended. He let out a sad sigh and started the car, pulling out of the godforsaken place.

My mother's condition hadn't gotten worse. But it most certainly was not getting any better. I didn't even know how I would financially pay for any of this, if I pay for any of it.. I have no fucking clue how insurance works let alone how I'd pay for what it doesn't cover.

I was clueless, and scared, and I needed my mom to tell me what to do. That was one emotion I knew I was feeling. I was fucking terrified.

The what if's circulated through my mind like a tornado, the only other thoughts able to come through centered on how quickly life can change and end in a split second. It doesn't fucking make any sense. I couldn't wrap my brain around it.

So like usual, I just chose not to.

"I could reallyyy go for some ice cream right about now," I said, trying to get my mind of off everything. I didn't look over at him but I could tell he was probably sending me a sympathetic smile.