dirty water : phan

5

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I open my eyes in a bed that's not mine and momentarily panic. I start to gasp a bit frantically until I feel Phil's warm hand on my waist, and I realize where I am. A smile grows on my lips and safety is restored. At least, for a little while.

6:37 am.

Getting up, I reach into my discarded jumper and pull out my cigarettes, lighting one and stepping out onto the balcony. I'm wearing boxers and a t-shirt that's not mine but it smells like Phil and that gives me some element of comfort. I breathe out a puff of smoke and breathe in the fresh morning air.

"Beautiful, innit?" A comforting voice behind me startles me out of my peace and quiet.

Phil chuckles lightly, "Just me, love."

My face flashes salmon at his endearing name for me and I look away quickly. "I'd be worried if it was anyone else. And yes, god, it's gorgeous out here."

"I was lucky to get a place this close to the river. Sitting out here... it's one of my favorite things to do when I have no one to paint," Phil sighs.

I nod and try to focus on the sun rising in front of me rather than the beauty next to me.

"Pancakes?" he questions, breaking the awkwardness between us.

"Oh my god, yes."

Phil opens the door and gestures, adding "Ladies first!" to which I respond with a teasing slap to his shoulder. I take a seat at his small kitchen table as he starts making the batter.

"Phil, I... I have to apologize," I begin shyly.

He stops his whisking and turns around, smiling gently. "What do you mean? You've done nothing wrong. Actually, quite the opposite. It's been pretty amazing with you."

My cheeks heat up again and I stare at my shoes. "I mean, for what happened after dinner the other day. I didn't mean to come off like I didn't like you. I do, I really like you. I.. I really wanted that night to be special. But I kept thinking about Hailey, and she was suffocating me and I wanted to enjoy the moment but she was there and I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" I feel tears streaming down my face and Phil is kneeling next to me, wiping them away.

He pulls me into a hug, confused but quietly saying, "Don't cry, Dan, don't cry. You don't have to talk about it. I'm here now and she's not. I understand but I forgave you the moment it happened. Don't apologize anymore."

My tears soon cease and I take a deep breath, leaning into Phil's strong frame. He smells like cinnamon rolls and pine trees and safety and that's all I can think about. I find the strength to lift my head up and I feel a surge of emotion. Thoughtlessly, I press my lips onto Phil's and he reciprocates lovingly. For a moment, everything is still and blissful.

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really short update but oh well. more soon :)