Black and White (solangelo)

Angry Angry Hades ❌

New York City, NY
💀
My father looked at me for at least 30 seconds. He slowly stood up and walked over to me. "Say that again" he said with no expression in his voice or on his face.

"I-I'm gay" I stuttered

His hand moved fast. I felt it hitting my face before I saw it, but that was just the start. He punched me again and again. Screaming insult after insult.

Faggot

Murderer

Weak

Depressing

Stupid

Worthless

Disgusting

Disappointment

He landed one more hard punch "I wish you were the one who was hit by the car and not Bianca!" He screamed at me and spit flew into my face.

I was sobbing now "I wished the same thing!" I responded with a cracking voice. "I wish I had never run into the street! I wish I had been paying attention! I wish I wasn't the one who caused her to drop them in the first place! I wish Bia was still here and not me! And more than anything else, I wish I was dead! I screamed at him.

He looked at me with emotionless eyes. He said one thing. One thing that would change our relationship forever. One thing that would change my life. He silently said to me..

"I wish you were dead more than anything else too"

~That Night~

I paced in my room. He didn't mean that did he? Does he really wish I was dead? No more than I do I suppose. No one wants me. No one needs me. Am I a faggot? Is it bad that I'm gay? No. Maybe? No!

Am I a murderer? No. I didn't purposely kill anyone. Was it still my fault? Yes. So am I a murderer?

Am I weak. Yes. For sure.

I'm obviously depressing. I mean everything I own is black.

I'm stupid and worthless. Just like he said. And I'm also disgusting apparently.

Last of all I am the biggest disappointment to ever walk the earth. Ever.

I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt a tear drop into my hand. I'm not going to lie, I jumped. See I am weak. Should I just kill myself then. No one wants me obviously. No not yet. I won't kill myself yet. I'll test the water though...

I haven't done this since..well since Bia and Mama died. I waited until 3:00 a.m. Now I guess it was technically Wednesday. It was also the last day of school yesterday for a week at least. Spring break is the best. Besides Christmas break and summer break. And side note school ends a week after spring break it's so weird.

I make my way to the master bathroom and grab a plastic container and rush upstairs to my room. So my house has a main floor, a basement, a storage center under the basement, an upstairs and then the attic then a mini attic. My dad sleeps in the basements basement. And I'm in the attics attic. There is a big window in my room that is directly across from the empty house next door. That house is exactly like ours. I can look into the attic attic in that house.

I open the plastic box and spill out its contents. Just what I was expecting, one brand new, shiny, sharp razor blade. I go and sit on the huge window sill and dangle my feet out of the window. The cold night air caused me to shiver slightly. I looked up at the clear sky and silently pointed out constellations to myself. I looked up at the moon. It shines so bright against the midnight colored sky. The starts seemed to be twinkling..waving at me.

"Hello" I whispered to no one in particular.

I looked at my arms and the razor in my right hand. I pressed the cool metal onto my skin. Faggot. I pressed hard and pulled down fast. I winced at the new sensation. I looked at the blood welling up in the slit on my arm. Murderer. Another cut. Weak. Depressing. Stupid. Worthless. Disgusting. 5 more cuts. I pressed really hard this time and as I made the quick motion I began to cry. Disappointment. Bia should be here not me. I watched as the 8 cuts on my arm spilled blood down off my hand and I watched as it dripped out of the window.

I managed to reach an old towel without getting blood on the floor. I wrapped it on my arm and hid the razor inside a book. I took the plastic box back to the bathroom and grabbed some medical tape and wrapped my arm as I was downstairs. I hobbled up to my room and cried myself to sleep that night. I hope tomorrow is better I think to myself as I drift asleep.

"Goodnight Bia. Goodnight mama" I mumble into my pillow before I forget, "love you miss you".

I have nothing to do but write so I guess updates come fast. Hope you liked this chapter because it hurt my heart to write abt my smol bean being sad. Don't worry though, good stuff happens in the next chapter. -Bela

WC-863