Dedicated Suicide (Jerrie)

Chapter 6: Heartache

I dragged the razor blade slowly across my arm, trying to form another word. My heart was shatter like it was a peice of glass that she smashed up.

This is your fault.

I know it is! Leave me the fuck alone!

I kept cutting the word. Once I finshed, I still didn't feel like it was enough. I looked at my legs. I took of my jeans and started cutting on my thighs. By the time I was finished, my left thigh was covered in words that I had cut.

Worthless

Nobody

Alone

Cheater

Was written on my thigh.

Useless

Stupid

Heartache

Was written on my wrist. I had about 36 cuts up and down my arm, not counting the cuts in the words, and I had 52 on my right thigh. I got up from sitting against the bathroom wall and peeled off my clothes. I turned the water on to a lukewarm, just so my cuts wouldn't sting so badly. But, it didn't help any. It felt like my skin was burning, like if I had just dumped boiling water over it. I changed the water to cold, and it felt a lot better.  I sat down as the water kept running, staring at the shower wall. Its over, my life is over without Perrie. The water was cold earlier,  but now it's freezing. I got out and changed. I need her. I picked up the phone for the hundredth time and tried calling her. If I hear her voice, I'll be fine. She didn't answer. I threw my phone, and bursted out crying. I want the room to take me under. Why didn't she just let me explain? Why do I have to suffer from this pain? I crawled into my bed, but I couldn't sleep. Out of frustration,  I pulled out some paper, and started writing lyrics.

I feel so numb

staring at the shower wall.

its begun

the feeling that the end has come.

and now the waters cold.

I tried to eat today,

but the lump in my throat got in the way.

In this time

I've lost all sense of pride.

I've called a hundred times.

If I hear your voice I'll be fine

and I

I can't come alive

I want the room to take me under

Cause I can't help but wonder

what if I

had one more night for goodbye

if your not here to turn the lights I cant sleep

These four walls and me.

I cried myself to sleep for the 3rd night in a row.

...

...

...

I woke up at 3 am, but I just couldn't get back to sleep. I forced myself out of bed after laying there for 3 hours. I felt my pillow, the one Perrie gave me, and it was soaked with my tears. I miss her so much. I got ready for school, Today was Friday, so I skipped 4 days straight. I put on some sweats and a jumper, even though it wasn't gonna be cold today. Gotta hide the cuts, can't let anybody else see them. I thought. I got my stuff and dragged myself out of my house.  Great, it was raining.  Way to match my mood. I took my binder and held it over my head. Lets hope that the papers inside wont get too wet.