All It that it means.

Pain and numb

Bella's pov.

Numb. That's how I felt. Sitting on my bed in Pauls over sized shirt, I felt numb. I barely registered what was happening around me. People blurred and I seemed to stay staring at the wall in front of me.

I was clutching onto the numbness almost desperately. Anything else would have killed me... I felt heavy and tired and the only emotion I had was numbness. We were becoming well aquatinted with one another.

Paul tried to talk to me but it would seem I had fallen into a catatonic state. Hidden halfway from the living and my own subconscious. A sort of coma. I ate only when I was forced to and mainly stayed in the same position on my bed.

What had happened, not quite sinking in. I trembled whenever I felt was losing my numb state and calmed when I realized that I still had it firmly in my grip.

Mom, Angela, Sean and Eric... All victims to him and yet here I was... Almost as dead as they where.

I would have laughed but there was no emotion to find the humor. I knew that when I finally allowed myself to feel, I would break. Smile and try be ok but my eyes would give the pain away.

Alone... No I wasn't. Empty and numb... Yes I was. My eyes were closed half way. I was tired, but for what I tried sleep evaded me. I was far from free of the pain... I just wanted to hold onto the peace I felt for a little bit longer.

When I finally broke... It was seeing my dad sob. He had fallen down in front of me and held his face as sobs rang through my room. That's when my silence broke and I gasped for air. Anxiety attacked me in waves. My chest tightened and I felt dizzy. My fave was numb and my body shook and shivered.

My dad grabbed me and held me as I let loose the build of emotions. The bottled up hell... That needed release finally did as it wished. It burst...

I came down from it and felt an unexpected emotion. I felt angry. I felt rage. It consumed me. Burnt me.

Standing up I decided to end it. I and Joshua knew it would end with either one of us dead. I was tired of waiting it was time to end it. It was time for death to bestow its gift.

So I put my emotions off or rather I switched off the ones I didn't need except the anger and planned what needed to be. Done.

Fragile Bella was gone. Emotionless worrier Bella was here to stay.