Depth Of My Heart

Change

10, July 2017,
Monday.

Yes, it is the truth that I fail to express. I don't know how to share my deepest feelings, I don't know how to comfort someone who is crying or sad.

I don't feel anything at times. Just blank. No emotions. No feelings.

World seems black and white, like it has lost all its colours.

I feel like crying but tears don't come.

I feel anger, I feel happiness but I can't express it, like it has been buried deep within me and can't find its way out.

Everything seems to fade away into nothing.

All of these is true.
But it is also true that everyone failed to see this. Everyone.

Maybe it was my fault that I failed to express but they also failed to see.

They said I have changed.

Yes, I am changed.
My eyes are becoming dull day by day.
My face, losing its colours.
I can't seem to voice my thoughts anymore.

They seem to get stuck in my throat.
Sometime I don't hear anything when someone is talking to me.

It feels like everything is going numb.

This is how I changed.

I get angry and frustrated, sometimes becoming angry on anyone that talks to me because I want to be understood, I want to feel alive.

I have lost my smile, that spark in me is lost.

I don't know why this is happening to me.

Sometimes I see the things around me in a new light like I have seen it for the first time.

I am letting down everyone around me.

I don't feel like talking to anyone anymore.

Sometimes it feels like I don't know them anymore, my family, my best friend, everyone.

It is all my fault.

My boyfriend and I are falling apart and I never tried to stop it.

I did try talking like we used to but now our talks are only limited to 'nothing' , 'leave it, it's okay.'

It all happened because of this all changes and I blame myself for all of this.

We both hide things from each other.
But it seems like I hide my feelings and he also started hiding thinking it will make me tell him things I am hiding from him.

How do I tell him that I didn't hide anything from him?

When I force myself to speak up and tell him, it seems to him that I am lying. It is like he doesn't believe me anymore.

How do I tell him that I, myself, don't understand this changes, then how can I explain all this to him?

I want a new life, a different life,  away from everything.

Some people asks,  "away from me too?" and I would say "not from you."
Just so they won't get hurt.

But no matter what I say,  ALL of them gets hurt. I have to think twice before speaking anything.

It seems they all get hurt but me.

But all of it is okay. I have grown used to it now.

I don't find any difference between love and hate,  happiness and hurt.

I have lost even the smallest feelings and emotions I used to feel.

It's all same to me now.

Darkness everywhere.

The changes have ruined my true self.

If only people had eyes and heart to see and feel that.