insane • g.dolan

day 2

day 2

i was greeted with a bright glare of light shining through my curtains and a fluorescent pink sticky note taped to the wall

swinging my legs over the side of the bed and throwing on a robe, i swiped up the handwritten note

"counselling today - 12:15"

i scrunched up the small piece of paper and aimed at the bin, only for it to miss and land of the floor

"fuck you" i cursed

muffled sobs could be heard from outside my door so i neared in order to find out who or where they were coming from

as i opened the door they didn't stop but i came to the realisation that they were coming from the room opposite mine ; graysons

i knocked gently and waited for his response

a dreary, red eyed grayson opened the door and struggled to break even a smile

"can i come in?"

he further opened the door in order to allow me in. we sat on the floor up against the wall with our knees pressed to our chin.

"how do you deal? he asked

"with what?"

"the depression"

"i don't. the thing with depression is that it feels like you're drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing. its hard but you have to keep persevering. we all have our off days but others wont be able to tell if you feel bad so thats why its important to talk to someone, like you can talk to me and vice versa. we both understand the baggage that comes with having a mental illness"

"okay wow you're smart"

"anyway what got you worked up this morning?"

"being in here. the thought of ending all of this is very tempting at the moment. id be like a bird set free if i was out of here"

"woah woah woah. i thought we had a deal?"

"we do. i promised and i never break promises"

"that was cringe for a 17 year old"

"sorry miss smarty pants"

"you will be sorry. anyway i smell breakfast. and wherever the food is, i am."

i picked myself up off the floor and carried myself down the staircase towards the dining room.

"morning lexi" elaine chirped happily

"morning" i smiled

i saw all of the kids faces light up at the sight of something behind me

"grayson" one small girl called out

"hiya tracy" he waved back

"didn't realise you were mr popular around here"

"i'm not. they think of me as their big brother but i don't reciprocate any feelings"

"i hope you'll reciprocate some of those feelings to me"

"only you" he smiled

it was time for my first session with the councillor. she visited twice a week and each patient had a one hour slot which was compulsory.

i entered the private room located at the end of the house in which i would meet my new councillor.

"hello, come in" she waved

i sat down on the sofa next to her. everything seemed laid back and comforting which made it easier to talk about my feelings

"so what kind of things make you sad?" she asked

"feeling alone or trapped. when all people do is talk about themselves when i need someone to ask me how i'm doing and show some feeling of interest towards me. it makes me feel ugly and boring. i also like to compare myself constantly to everyone. i always make sure i feel the lowest i can possibly feel and everyone else is happy. because all i care about is others feeling happy"

"and how have you been feeling lately? have you felt happy?"

"happier. obviously with an illness like mine it is very rare to feel content but i have seen some recent changes in my mood"

"and why would that be?"

"being in here has given me a fresh start. made me feel like i'm not completely mad and unordinary. i'm happy i've found grayson actually, we've become pretty close, we share a lot of similarities"

"grayson is a very nice boy. he suffers a similar illness to you. i think it would be good if you stayed friends with grayson as you can help each other out"

"he makes me happier" i smiled