I'm Obsessed With You

Four

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Sunday morning came the exact same  way Saturday night ended, painfully slow, but with an overwhelming amount of emotion. Julian pulled his head off his pillow, the fabric he'd rested on dotted with liquid. His body was turned facedown, nothing between it and the comforter that was rolled up in a weird position, aftermath of the restless night he had. His arms were wrapped around the pillow that caught his tears. He was devastated.

He couldn't think of the last time he'd cried so much. Maybe early on in high school when he'd come home crying over how short he was, jealous that all his friends had grown over summer and towered over him. He hated being ridiculed for it, for something he couldn't control. He feared that he'd shown a part of him, another thing he couldn't control, and was about to be the subject of shaming and teasing because of it. Of course he had to get him emotions take over, he always did.

The embarrassment felt like something Julian could never get over. He could have stayed, waited to see if Tom would have said something. The last thing he'd heard was his voice calling his name, a single time. He ran off, called an uber, and the whole ride to his apartment building he replayed the moment in his right up to Tom's shout over and over in his head.

The kiss was amazing. It was everything Julian had imagined it to be. The passion, it was there. He felt love, he knew it wasn't just him. He knew the feelings were reciprocated. Not just because Tom didn't push Julian off of him, not because he moved his mouth in the same rhythm, simply because it was impossible to feel the sparks he did if there weren't mutual feelings. The more he thought about it, the more he realized running away was stupid, he should have stayed.

But he did run away. He got scared, of Tom, his feelings, himself. He ran off because he couldn't handle it, his brain wasn't in control the moment his lips crashed into Tom. It was beyond himself, his feet moved without command from his brain, if he was thinking, he wouldn't have just left Tom. He ran through the trees, ducking away from low hanging branches. He didn't know where he was going, he just knew he needed to get away from the scene he'd created. He didn't look back, he had to force himself to look ahead or else he'd breakdown in front of his longtime crush. Crying wasn't what he was prepared for.

Then he ended up at home, his heart beating at a rapid pace, making him concerned he was about to have a stroke. He almost called Danny, comfort was easily found in his most reserved friend, but he couldn't bring himself to do it despite the tears that streamed down his eyes and the panic attack he believed he was experiencing. He couldn't call Danny because explaining the last eight years leading up to the kiss would be too hard, sharing his feelings to even Danny was just another thing he wasn't ready to do. He hoped that Tom hadn't opened his mouth said anything to anyone either.

Julian was shook. He didn't know what his next move was, of course, he wanted to kiss Tom again. He couldn't compare the feeling to anything he'd ever experienced, it was like trying a drug for the first time and being instantaneously and uncontrollably addicted, he needed another fix of Tom Brady. He couldn't stop his heart from craving Tom, he never could repress the need to stare at him a little extra, to talk to him as much as he could even if the topics were dry and uninteresting, no matter what it took, the additional moments with Tom meant everything to Julian. The kiss only increased his need to be near him, the whole night he wished that he could be back there just so he could continue and get to what should have happened. He should have talked about his feelings, came clean instead of making himself look like a complete idiot.

Going to sleep was cold. His body shook. He was forced to think about how miserable he was being forced to watch Danny date all those pretty girls or Gronk sleep with anyone he wanted while Julian's heart already decided who it needed, someone who seemed so unattainable. He needed to feel the arms of the man he was infatuated with around him, that was the only thing that could have fixed his night. Dreaming about it wouldn't do anymore, thinking of and playing out all the possible and impossible scenarios that could happen wasn't satisfactory anymore. No longer could Julian pretend, it wasn't a want situation, it was a need.