The List: One Year, One Adventure ✔️

Chapter 6: Sorrow Is Knowledge

* Dedicated to Twilight and all those New Year's Eves that I was dragged kicking and screaming to the movies.

Ari

I stared back at the city from the railing of the ferry, which was headed to Bainbridge Island, the wind whipping my hair into my face. I was hypnotized by the waves of the water against the boat. I felt the pain of the water below, once calm, yet now separated by something big—desperate to go back to the calm state it once occupied. The massive buildings of the city, which once towered over me and mesmerized me the minute I stepped in front of their beauty and grace, were now beginning to become smaller and more distant. The distance between our once connection was something that I was all too familiar with in my life.

Distance had been a familiar companion which kept me cold at night. 

One never realized the things they took for granted until something came into your life and changed it in a way that caused you to disconnect with the world and others around. It was a constant struggle to maintain a connection, the weight of the sickness pulling you further into the abyss of darkness. It tugged until you felt weak against the current, so you allowed it to overtake you and pull you further. In time, you became so tired of fighting that you allowed yourself to accept the inevitable and succumbed to the darkness—the feeling of hopelessness overtaking your heart.

People sensed the hopelessness, the fragility, and the weakness. Some chose to take advantage of the weakness, while some struggled to comfort you and swim into the abyss in order to grab at your flailing hand, wanting nothing more than to help you swim to the surface. If they could only get you to the surface, you could catch your breath and your strength would return, able to fight once again against the current.

It was the fear of the unknown, the fear that the next current may be one too powerful to prevail against, which caused me to not reach for that hand. I was always afraid that if I truly tried to fight, I would end up pulling someone down with me.

"It's a beautiful view." I could sense he was at my side before he had the courage to speak. He was the one person that I was most afraid of dragging down into the abyss.

"It is, isn't it?" I moved the hair out of my face and turned in his direction. I could tell he wanted to say something more, something that he hoped would convince me to grab his hand and allow him to help me fight. 

"You know, I just want to tell you I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" I asked, as I looked at him, the wind stung his eyes.

"For being the type of guy I am sometimes."

I turned back to look out at the water and the faded cityscape. "You're more than the person you give yourself credit for. I'm sorry that you got stuck in this, with me." I turned my head from his view, because I knew that the tears were streaking down my face and I couldn't  bear for him to see me like this. I couldn't bear his pity.

"Stuck? I'm exactly where I need to be, but more importantly where I want to be." He placed his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side. We stared off into the distance for a bit until he tried to break the silence with his typical Dean humor. "You know what would cheer you up right now?" He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I was instantly hesitant to answer for fear of getting some sexual innuendo.

"What?"

"If we totally pulled a Titanic right now." He laughed as he moved behind me and tried to force my arms up. I couldn't help but laugh.

I hated him for making me laugh, I hated him for being here, and more importantly, I hated the fact that I was in love with him, especially since he could never know.