The List: One Year, One Adventure ✔️

Chapter 13: A Garden Is The Grandest of Teachers

Ari

I spent the day away from my hosts just walking around different districts. I saw lot of beautiful homes, laden with large trees which were starting to change their leaves from green to orange and beautiful flowers. It was calming and for the first time, I felt at peace with myself while I was alone.

Usually when I was alone, there was an aching feeling that quickly turned to uncomfortable silence, which then bounced off the walls of my apartment. I wanted to live in these trees and gardens for the rest of my life, spending my days painting the beauty before me. Gardens were the grandest of teachers, because they showed us a beauty that was ever changing. A beauty that I wished that my life had.

I decided to walk around some of the cemeteries while I was out. The tombs stood towering above ground, aging before my eyes. I stared at the aging stone and thought about my own fears of getting older. If I chose to stay in this life would I ever find true happiness?  Would someone like Dean be able love me when I was aged and no longer beautiful? Would he be able to exist next to me, even when my tired soul consumed me? Was there even a real future for me and someone like him?

My thoughts drifted off from Dean and I thought about the man that was here, right now with me, the one who didn't hesitate to rush to me and bring me here. The man who never told me he was sorry or let women put their hands on him in public while I sat and watched. In my head the choice was simple, pick the man who hasn't hurt you, but my heart wanted the one who had.

I pulled out my sketchbook from my bag and sat in front of a tomb, which had ornate designs that appeared to be inspired by French and Spanish architecture. The ground around them was worn with age and it added to the beauty, yet ghostly feel of the surroundings. I sat on the ground, my back positioned up against another tomb and I just sketched. I jotted down some feelings I had next to the drawing of the tomb and turned the page, this time while I closed my eyes I drew the one thing that I saw whenever my vision went black.

I looked down at the page and I saw his face staring at me, but this time the drawing caught his sadness. His head was turned towards me, his eyes looked heavy with wanting. It was a look that I had seen many times when he looked at me, but until now it never registered the emotion and why. This time though, it was the same emotion that consumed me and for a moment, I felt like he was there alongside me.

Next to his picture, I wrote down some of the feelings I had for him. On a separate page, I wrote down my disappointments with both him and with myself, careful not to disfigure the beauty of the drawing done previously.  

I sat the book down in my lap, along with my pencil and pulled my phone out of my cross-body bag, my fingers ran over his message.

Ari: I miss you terribly also.

I stared at the message, unable to hit send. I tucked the phone back into my bag, my feelings unsent. Once again, I hid my vulnerability from him. He had a hold over me that I couldn't comprehend, nor explain.

.......................

When I got back to the room, I felt a bit freer than I had before and I hurried into the bathroom and turned on the shower. The water felt refreshing and warm as it kissed my skin and I sat in the tub, as the water cascaded downwards from the shower head. I just sat there until the water had slightly cooled around me. I grabbed the towel off the counter and dried myself off. I fumbled through my suitcase and grabbed a pair of light blue boyshort underwear and a white camisole. I grabbed my iPod off the bedside table and threw in my earbuds. I sprawled across the bed and drew in my journal, while I listened to Pandora.