Ilang araw na lang ang natitira mula sa isang buwang kasunduan nila ng binata ngunit hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin nakakausap ng masinsinan ni Gerald si Sarah dahil na rin palagi itong umiiwas sa kanya. Maagang nagising ng araw na yun si Sarah. At dahil na rin sa ilang araw na lang silang mananatili sa Isla ay napagpasyahan niyang maglibot-libot dito. Hindi na siya nagpaalam kay Gerald dahil mahimbing itong natutulog.
Hindi niya inaakalang ganoon pala kaganda ang lugar na kanilang pinuntahan. Nakaupo ito sa isang malaking bato habang pinagmamasdan ang ganda ang lugar ng may marinig siyang pamilyar na boses.
“Akala ko tinakasan mo na ako.” Saad nito at naupo sa tabi ng dalaga.
“Kung balak kong takasan ka, sana noon pa.” Sagot naman ni Sarah.
Hindi alam ni Gerald kung matutuwa ba siya o masasaktan sa sinabi ng dalaga. “Salamat at kahit papano pumayag kang sumama dito.”
“Wala naman akong magagawa diba.” Tugon nito habang nakatingin pa rin sa tanawin.
“Ni minsan ba, sinubukan mo man lang magtanong kay Anne o sa mga kapatid mo tungkol sakin?” Bigla nitong tanong kay Sarah. Mukhang nagulat naman ang dalaga sa biglang pag-iiba nag mood ng binata.
She stared up at the sky, thinking about all the time she'd wasted wondering the same thing. "I don't know." She said. "No one told me about you and I didn't plan on asking.” Prangka nitong sagot.
“Bakit?” Malungkot nitong tanong. “Ayaw mo ba talaga akong maalala.”
“I don’t know, really.” Tahasang sagot nito. Agad itong tumayo at lumakad na pabalik sa kanilang tinutuluyan.
I'd often thought that when I got the chance, the first thing I'd do was to hug her and tell her how much I love her, but after I heard what she said, hindi ko na alam kung may patutunguhan pa kaya lahat ng ginagawa kong ‘to. Sigurado akong mahal ko siya at gagawin ko ang lahat para sa kanya, pero pano kong siya na mismo ang ayaw makaalala. Pano ko ipaglalaban ang isang bagay na alam kong sa simula pa lang talo na ako.
I went straight into the kitchen for a glass of water. While I was at the sink, I overheard Gerald talking on the phone. Narinig kong sinabi niyang uuwi na kami bukas. But what caught my attention is when he told the other line that he did everything pero wala pa rin. I felt his pain. And I know it was my fault. And it annoyed me that I cared. I went back to my room and curl up in front of the TV and pop in one of the tapes, looking for things I should know, or things I thought I'd only imagined. I've noticed, for instance, that when I first hugged him, there's something I felt that made me scared.
The tapes were databank of our memories together; a picture of me with him at Baguio and then a picture with his friends. I saw how happy I am. But on the last tape, it was a video of him telling the story behind the pictures and how good I am to him, that I always find ways to make him smile even when he was in his darkest hours. What surprised me though, was how few of the stories I'd heard before, stories I had a right to know but didn't. Then I realized that I probably ought to be holding on to my memory, not running away from it. For his part, he never mentioned the tapes. Possibly he thinks I destroyed them. Possibly he thinks I still have them. Possibly he's decided to let me keep them.
I saw him sitting at the couch. "Can I talk to you a sec?" I asked but he didn’t respond. I sat beside him, not sure of what should I tell. “I’m sorry.” I startled. “I never give you a chance and I keep on avoiding you but I’m afraid and I don’t know how to make you a part of my life now that I don’t remember anything about you.” He’s still not responding. “I’m scared to trust you.”
“No.” As he shake his head. “The way to trust someone is at least to try trusting them. And you didn’t even try to trust me Sarah.” He paused then continued. “You’re not scared to trust me, you just don’t want to.” He sits up straight as he says this, looking me dead in the eye. I saw the sadness in his eyes.
“I’m sorry.” I said. “It’s not that I don’t want you in my life. I just don’t know how to keep you in it.” During the conversation, I just stared at Gerald, willing him to look my way, but he was oblivious.
I don’t know what else to say. I want to hug him, to ease the pain and to make him feel better but I couldn’t get myself into it.
The reason why he kept it as it is, why he’s not making any move as what he supposed to, was because he was simply waiting for the right moment. He wants her to find a way to make anything else, that would make her feel closer to him but she didn’t.
As she crabbed away from Gerald, he sniffled and ran a finger under his nose. That's when Sarah realized he was crying. Tears were coming out from him. His knuckles were bleeding too, but Sarah could tell it wasn't the pain that’s making him cry. It was anger, he couldn't do anything but cry. The idea of it blew her mind.
***
The next day, she saw Gerald packing their things as she makes her way out of her room. She wanted to stop him and tell him to give her a chance to try to do as what he planned to but she didn’t because it scares her to approach him and be vulnerable in front of the man who hurt her. Instead, she just watches him do what he was doing. Gerald knows she was there, standing right at his back, watching him but he doesn’t move, he can’t move, he just don’t know how to. He expected the plan would run smoothly and would end both of them happy. But it did not turn out his way. He realized, it never turns his way. And now, he doesn’t have any other choice but to let things unfold on its will. He still wanted to try and push through but a deal is a deal and he wants her to leave her at least a good impression of him.
On their way home, no one talk, no one attempt to. They drove in silence, as if they we’re a total strangers who just happens to be in one, the same destination. After an hour of seems like the longest flight he had been, they saw Fred waiting for them. Fred noticed the aloofness between the two and he never dared to ask. After giving their pleasantries, Gerald asks his best friend if he can drive Sarah home because he needed to see Kim. He said something happened to her and Kim’s mother asks him to see her daughter right away. Sarah just kept her silence and did not protest, or said anything.
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