I died on the 13th of May, 2017. That was when my Depression was at its fullest. But, a few days ago I was brought back to life by a little yellow tablet. And I hate it. When I swallow it it makes me gag. The aftertaste makes it feel like a daily dosage of poison, slowly building up so nobody notices the dimming of my light. Everyone is getting sick of my anxiety, especially my sister. They don't understand how hard it is for me to trust someone. They don't understand my hunches. They don't understand that I can't talk. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND. My throat closes up and I can barely think straight. It feels like I'm being strangled, my last thought before I run being: 'I am going to die', the truth being that I already have. With Depression, a little part of you dies each day. Depression isn't sadness. It is much, much more. It's hopelessness, it's guilt - it's spiraling down into despair. And it's empty. The reason I hate this tablet is because it makes me happy. And me being happy means that I have so much more to lose. When I have a Really Bad Day I already expect the worst and I am fine with that. I don't want to get better. It's not that I want to stay like this - I don't want anything anymore. Because I honestly don't bloody care. It really makes you realise the power behind the words closing the will to live'. But this tablet makes me care. It makes my Anxiety grow stronger and that makes my Insomnia worse. Right now I'm waiting for something to go wrong. Before I already knew how wrong everything is. Our world is a messed up place, and I know that I am one of the people who are making it that way. No, this is not leading to suicide. I know that I deserve the outcome of Earth: Global Warming, apocalypse - all of it. There is something worse than being dead, and that is being alive. There is something worse than being sad, and that is being happy. Because being happy just gives me more reason to be sad.
▪▪▪
Being alive hurts.
Happiness scares me.
I am so depressed.
Anything else?
You know I had a classmate. He was just eighteen. He always wanted to be a model, always wanted to laugh, always wanted to enjoy life to the fullest. But you know what happened one day? He died.
And you know the worst part? I saw his mother going so numb that it pained me. Despite the fact that I never talked to that woman. I saw his girlfriend who was, by the way, my close friend getting pale day by day. She became a corpse.
Now why am I telling you this? Because you think you don't want happiness.
Oh honey, if only I could snatch away your happiness (even if it is so little) and give it to my friend's mother or maybe his girlfriend. Because you don't appreciate it. You don't know how fucking hard it is to even get a second of happiness in this life so hard.
I know depression sucks. I know how every day one person can feel themselves dying inside. I know how nobody understands you. I know how the only thing you want to do sometimes is cry till you drown into sleep.
I know because I have been there. And just because I have been there I want to tell you that it ends, darling. And only we can end it. How old you must be? Maybe 16-17? Or even if you are 30+ i don't care because I know you still have so many brighter days to see. You are lucky that you are getting a life to live. My classmate was not as lucky as you. So please appreciate this life. If you don't want to be happy then spread that happiness to others. Because there are many people who need it.
Live buddy! Don't let depression win so soon... not especially when you are just a teenager and still don't know how many good days you are to see ahead.
