Emotional Rescue

2: From the Dead

This is me as a dead person reaching out to the living.

–

Liara

As I came inside my small apartment, I immediately close the door, lock it and lean my back on it. As far as I can remember I didn't run but the pounding on my chest was undeniably fast.

I let myself sat on the floor and recall what happened earlier.

It happened... again.

"Fia." I uttered and let the tears steam down my cheeks. It was my fault.

I killed her. I killed the only person who loved me most. I killed my best friend, my sister. And I will never forgive myself for that.

It's been two years but the memory was crystal clear as if it just happened yesterday.

"I'm so sorry Fia." I whispered. The pain I felt was somewhat excruciating. It's keeping me from breathing.

My chest felt so heavy. Everything was just too much and I hate it.

But I deserve this.

It was my fault.

"Why can't it be just me?" I thought. I still consider thinking that maybe, if I'm the one who got hit by that truck, life wouldn't be this hard for everyone.

They wouldn't cry and grieve for their favourite daughter's death and maybe, just maybe, I could also be at peace.

Without the demons. Without drowning.

And maybe, I wouldn't be experiencing this kind of hell. I wouldn't be undergoing this stupid torture inside my chest.

Why can't I die right now?

I can't. I still have everything else to finish.

Dying doesn't end there. It would just make things more impossible.

So I continue to live, live a dead life. Live a dead purpose. Live a dead existence.

I am alive but dead. Dead from everything that's keeping anyone from living.

I have long been dead, dead from the world and the eyes of everyone.

I went inside my room and let the darkness surround my being. Maybe a little company will do.

I laughed at the thought. I'm getting crazier everyday. Stupid me.

I crawled on my bed tiredly and didn't bother to change into something comfortable. This day was just so tiring. Everything's just so exhausting.

And living. Here comes being alive.

Living is so frustrating.

I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling. It's emptiness makes it harder for me to keep going.

What's the only thing that kept me going?

Simple. The punishment of being alive. Very clever of me for that.

I thought that dying is plainly simple as a punishment for what I've done to each and everyone I love. So living a dead life was more painful that what I have imagined.

Accepting all the blame.

Waking up.

Having fun

Well that's pretty much something to start.

As I was thinking about how damned my life was, I heard my phone rang.

Mom's calling.

"Mom?" I started.

[Have you cleaned your sister's place? We're going there any moment tonight] My mom asked, coldly. I heaved a sigh. "Yes mom. I already checked it earlier and clean up some trash." I answered.

"And mom.."

[What is it?]

"C-Can I come?" I nervously asked. I hope she'll say yes. [You already came over earlier right? Why would you go again?]

One tear escaped from my eyes as I continued to take in what she had said. Of course she'll say no.

"Nothing mom, never mind. I decided not to." I said, restraining myself from breaking down on the line.

[I'll hang this up now. Bye] Before I could even answer, I heard the end tone of the call.

"Bye mom, I love you." I whispered and closed my eyes to stop my tears from falling.

I stared at the glass window seeing the clouds turning into dark blue. Soon enough, it'll be black.

I decided not to open the lights and be contented on the light the moon will shine later. I'm used to the darkness so why bother.

I suddenly remembered how my whole world turned upside down. How everything came falling to the ground.

When she died, all that's left of me came shattered and everything I held on to was gone.

Fia deserved to live. My sister should be the one living. In that case, my family would be happy. They wouldn't mind me dying.

I have been trying to search for solace in this damned life but saw none and continued to die every single time.

"Live and get hurt Liara. It's your fault." I reminded myself and closed my eyes. Trying to find comfort in the darkness. It's the only thing I have, it's the only thing I held on to.

I tried to piece back what's left of my broken heart but ended up bleeding my hands more. Hurting myself more.

I lay in tears and blood and pain. Loneliness is what I have always been into.

I cried. It was not just a cry but a howl. A mournful regret from a tormented sinner.

And just like any other nights, the only witness to my unwanted agony was the cold walls of my room. The moon shining brightly beneath the clouds.

My mind keeps having visions of my painful past. Regretful memories. Painful decisions.

Just like any other nights, I die again.