I screamed, they watched (solangelo)

Part four

Wills pov
I'm at a new school, and it seems like I'm making friends. I should feel happy, but I don't I almost never do now days, no matter how good the thing that happens is, I just doesn't feel happy. I laugh and put on a smile, but I never manage to make it real. It's always fake. This Nico dude, he seems like a sad and gloomy type when you first see him, but when you get to know him he's so happy all the time and really nice. Why couldn't I be like that. I don't even know why I'm so fucking sad all the time. I'm rarely sad because of anything, it's just this overwhelming feeling of sadness that comes some days. Most days I feel OK, I'm not as happy as I'd wish to be, and I'm always exhausted, but I get through the day without any breakdowns. But then completely randomly I wake up one day and I just feel it through my whole being that I can't get up. But I do anyways I get up and put on a smile and I start making breakfast, but that's usually just about how far I come, after that I completely break down, I start crying and I can't stop, it just keeps going, on and on. I usually stay home at these days, today was sadly not one of them.
(This part might be a bit triggering for some? I'm not sure, it's thoughts about mild self harm)
My mom forced me to go to school, even though I felt like shit and was unable to stop crying. My parents are usually pretty nice to me, and let me control this stuff on my own, but today they, or my mom decided that I had to at least try to get to school. So I did, it took a bit of crying and I was late, but I eventually got to the bus stop. I had been able to stop crying, by doing the only thing I knew worked, I did it very rarely, I usually just convinced myself to that I'd rather just let it all out, to just be sad, that it was OK to not be OK, but I had to get to school, I had to get through today. So I did it, (omg I make this sound so much more serious than it actually is I'm sorry) I pinched myself, it might not sound that serious, but a little while back I did this every time I felt slightly sad, it's crazy addicting, I didn't know why it worked, but after a while I figured out why and managed to stop.

Pinching myself is a mild form for self harm, so I figured out that self harm can work because when you conflict yourself pain, your body kinda freaks out like 'something is seriously wrong here' and then starts sending out adrenaline which makes you feel less sad because the body is more focused on survival than the pointless sadness.

But the scary part is that because it is this addicting, you'll have to do it more and more for each time. In the start I just pinched the skin on my underarm lightly when I felt the sad thoughts creep in, but then I'd start doing it more and more, harder and harder, and in the end I'd have to struggle hiding the bruises, they didn't look to bad, but they were pretty obviously self made.

So after a while I managed to stop, I figured that when I felt sad I'd rather just let the tears come and break down, it was better than this. I still felt like doing it, a lot every time I felt sad, but I'd managed to fight it until today. I try really hard to limit myself to not do it that much, but it's hard. I'm already the new kid, I don't want to randomly start crying as well.
(The maybe triggering part is over)
I look down at my arm, were bruises are already starting to shape. Small blue, red and purple circles. I wish it wasn't to warm to wear a sweater, at least I got my watch to cover it up a little bit.

Nico had noticed how red my eyes were, it had almost scared the crap out of me, luckily he just assumed it was allergies. I still feel like shit, but I think I can get through school without crying.

It's time for lunch and I'm starving, I didn't have the energy to eat earlier today, so I haven't had breakfast. I get my food, then I remember that I don't have anywhere to sit. I look around, but I can't see any free tables, thats when I notice Jason and Nico waving at me, they want me to sit with them. With a smile freshly plastered to my face, I walk over to them and sit down. Jason introduces me to everyone and tries to drag me into the conversation.

"Will, tell me what do you think of the cafeteria food? You see Piper here thinks it's horrible and unhealthy and that they at least should have a vegetarian menu, but I think we have to keep in mind that the school can't spend all it's money on food for us, when they rather should use it to fix up the schools bathrooms." He looks at the girl I assume must be Piper with a glint in his eye.

"Well I think you both got a point, eh, the school should focus more on healthy and diverse foods, but it should also still have money to fix what's needed. So I don't have a clue." The rest of the lunch goes on like this. I don't know how, but suddenly I'm very close to Nico. I sat down beside him, yes, but I'm positive that I let it be at least ten centimeters between us. Now we're suddenly sitting shoulder to shoulder, thighs barely touching. How did this happen??