Shattering Truth

Chapter 4

"How are you feeling, Mrs. Black?" Dr. Edwards asks when he notices a blissful smile on her face.

She stays slumped on the couch, her back pressing onto the comfortable cushions, making her feel like she's floating on one of those fluffy clouds you can see during an especially nice and sunny nice, the blissful smile on her face exposing her true state of mind which is, for the first time after a long while, peaceful.

"Surprisingly well," she answers warmly, her hands crossed on her lap, the fingers of her hands intertwining with one another.

He looks at her amused, and she knows what that look means. It means that the next words that come out of his mouth will have an ability to shatter her current state of peace. So she tries to discard it.

"Do you consider that a progress?" He asks, pushing his glasses up his nose, "Or a regress?"

Those questions do not shatter her peacefulness, but they do make her think, and she lives in fear questions she derives from his questions will push her over the edge of sanity. She knows she's taking a dip in the poisonous lake of insanity, and wonders how long will it take for her to dive deep. It is not wanted, but it gives her a certain amount of freedom and emptiness she so desperately wants. It frees her from all the thoughts and questions and leaves her in silence.

And silence is good. It's fulfilling and relaxing, until it makes you completely and utterly insane.

"Both," she says after some time of thinking.

She wants to remember. She has to remember. There are too many gaps, too many questions, too many what if's.

At the same time she doesn't want to do anything to endanger her current state of happiness. Part of her wants to stay like this forever, in blissful ignorance.

"You will have to remember sooner or later," he states what she already knows.

She slumps her shoulders, and he notices her gesture. "I know," she says silently, even though there's a certain edge to her voice.

He furrows his brows. "Don't you want to remember?" He asks, somewhat displeased.

She raises her look to him and looks at him bewildered. "Of course I do."

"But?"

"But I haven't felt in ease for such a long period of time. I want to enjoy it."

"There are many things that can have effect on the easiness you feel. Everyday problems. Trying to remember is just one of those things. Maybe it doesn't even make you feel uneasy, maybe it does the opposite," he watches her from under his glasses.

"That's the problem," her eyes fill with tears which never escape, "Maybe it does this, maybe it does that."

After few seconds of carefully observing her, the doctor closes his notebook, indicating that he's done with experimenting with her behavior, and ready to give a real insight in her situation. "The unknown can often be scary. Some people find it luring, irresistible. To some people unknown is the definition of a thrill."

She remembers the first time she met Jacob and how thrilling and exciting the unknown felt. How every one of his moves pumped her with adrenaline as much as they scared her as well. Her wishes and desires mixed with the way he carefully planned every one of his actions.

But this kind of unknown is different. It's frightening in all its intensity. It's like dark, she knows there's something with the ability to cause her pain - but then again, it might be nothing. It might be old door cracking or wind playing with the branches outside of her window.