soft light

i was inbetween

i.

i have stars in my eyes but when i look past your absent voice over a 2am call, i can't help but feel like there is nothing in my eyes.

ii.

thank you for making me Sharp now. my eyes flicker over tiny text messages and i feel your fingers on my spine and i know i am vulnerable i am vulnerable i am scared of your mercy.

iii.

your dumb smile makes me feel psychotic. i want to rip out my own hair and scratch lines down my leg while i scream. how could i be so cruel? why am i so mean? you're smiling so nicely.

iv.
DON'T BE MAD AT ME, PLEASE. you whispered it in that small voice. DON'T HATE ME. I'M BEING HONEST. i stopped replying for the rest of the night, because i should've felt sad but i never ended up telling you that i felt nothing.

v.

when we had phone sex, half a year later, i faked my orgasm but the smile was real. i was so relieved to finally feel nothing.

vi.
i catch myself second-guessing love on a first coffee date with a junior boy whose smile reminds me of yours. it's so truthful. or is it? what are we? oh. a first date. i keep mixing up the days.

vii.

i have stars in my eyes but when i look past your absence it never really feels like you were here in the first place.

.

[a/n: mental illness is wild. sometimes i get too intense. this is from 2016]