Koopalings, furries, Undertale, all that trash
I might do some requests, but no promises. I'll only draw someone's character if I find them interesting lol
If you make a request, keep in mind I might not actually do it, and I will definitely not do...
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(Might delete)
I don't like posting vents that often, because I do realize that comes off as though I'm seeking attention. I'm not trying to seek attention, I'm trying to seek help/get stuff off of my chest.
In all honesty, I can't tell if my relationship with my mother is how it should be, or if it's normal for things to be this way. She's not a bad mom, and it's not like this 24/7...but when things do happen between us, it has a huge impact on my thoughts of myself and overall happiness.
When she lashes out at me whether she's frustrated, angry, or had a bad day, she usually says things that aren't that helpful or pretty destructive. Sometimes, they're also just completely false. These things stay with me either way, though. My mom plays a major part in why I have low self confidence in myself, appearance wise, health wise, thought wise, attitude wise, and even as a friend. I feel like I can never be good enough sometimes. Sometimes, it feels as though my faults are all that matters to her.
I know no one is perfect, including her.
Earlier today, I sort of had a breakdown. I had been working on this bridge test thing online for five hours, and the instructions weren't clear. I didn't know what to do. My mom got frustrated and sort of just left me to figure it out on my own. I didn't know if I had done it correctly, and I tried to explain that to my mother without snapping due to being stressed from all the algebra I had done for several hours straight. I didn't want to go through it all again, since I didn't even know whether or not it would work, but my mother kept telling me I have to if I want to get back into my school. At one point, I started yelling that I was through with it, after she was yelling that I wasn't trying hard enough (despite me pushing myself to the point of feeling sick). That sort of made me break down. I told her I WAS trying, I tried my hardest, and she told me that I could do better, so on. I broke into tears, and my father walked in when he heard me yelling. The rest is a little blurry, but I ended up crouching down while clutching my head to the point where it bled. I was shaking and breathing unevenly, and my mind was blurry, I couldn't breathe properly and I just wanted her to understand that I tried my hardest. I was trying. I wasn't being lazy. I'm not perfect. I fell over from shaking and I hit my head hard against the wall, and my father ran to help me up (its sore, but nothing serious). I felt so pathetic to have a breakdown over something like this, and I'm disappointed in myself in all honesty. We went out for ice cream about an hour later, and my mom said a quick and short apology, and we haven't spoken about it since.
It's just..whenever we get in a fight, she always says the same words after, and in some ways, it makes me feel worse. When she apologizes, I have to tell her I forgive her, even if I don't..and I feel like I lose the right to be mad at her or be effected by what she said...but what she says effects me for years, and it piles up. I don't know why, but I take EVERYTHING she says to heart, even if she says she didn't mean it later on. It's really destructive. I've lost so much motivation, hope, and faith in myself over the years, and it's just been getting worse and worse.
When I was little, I often tried to kill myself through stupid things. Like choking myself, hitting my head against the wall, holding my breath, though one time I did get my hand on pills..I'm alive, though. Usually when my mother would yell at me for doing something wrong, even if I didn't know it was wrong. I wish she would've been more calm/gentle back then. It sort of traumatized me, even if it wasn't that bad. I was and still am, very timid, trusting, and I take things to heart, especially when I look up to someone.
She never says anything extreme like "worthless" or "I hate you", she compliments me a lot, actually. She says I'm her favorite, too (which makes me feel bad. I feel as though my siblings should get the praise. Not me. They need it much more than I do), but it just doesn't mean much to me. She's my mom, after all. She's the only one that compliments me that way, alongside my father. No normal person does...it kind of means nothing to me at that point. Motherly love. Nowadays, whenever she compliments me, my mind goes back to something negative she's said about me. I just feel...empty.
My mom doesn't hit me, my mom doesn't neglect me, and I don't think it's bad enough to be called verbal abuse. Yet, she somehow has destroyed me, without even realizing it, and I don't know whether it's my fault, hers, or both of ours. I feel like I exaggerate this too much.
When I compare my mother to my father, I notice how different their parenting styles are. My father has never lashed out at me. He's never made me cry from a comment he's said. He's someone I go to for comfort. I don't hide ANYTHING from him, and I trust him, and he trusts me. He's the reason I'm even still here, and he's the reason I didn't kill myself years ago. He's taught me to love myself and help others. He's like my best friend..
My mother, on the other hand, I'm scared of her. Whenever I go to her for help, I feel worse than before. She makes me sad, and I prefer not to be around her. I lie to her and I hide things from her. I get in fights with her, and she's made me cry more times than I can think. I don't trust her. I don't want to be around her. Telling her that I love her usually leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, and I don't know why. She's taught me I don't try enough, she's told me everything I wrote up there, and so, so much more that I don't want to put into words.
My mom says a lot of contradicting things. She tells me I'm beautiful, and she tells me I need to wear makeup. She tells me I'm good with people, then she tells me all the reasons why people don't like me. She tells me I'm going to get fat one day, then she tells me I need to eat more the next. She says I'm the perfect child one day, then she says I've been rude, mean, and terrible for the whole week the next. I'm not sure what to believe, and my mind usually picks the negative one.
So my question is...is this normal? Are all moms like this? Am I supposed to feel this way? Will I grow out of it, or will this stick with me? I'm not sure. My mom has been the center or a root to a lot of problems I have, and a huge part of my anxieties. She's taught me good things, and she's accidentally taught me bad things. I'm honestly not sure anymore. I get that these things happen sometimes, but this happens almost daily. Maybe once a week will it be really bad, but usually our fights are over small things. I don't share common interests with my mother, and she often asks if I hate her when I don't do things with her. She makes me feel guilty or shameful when she says that.
I'm just so frustrated. I don't know whether I should feel this way or not, and it confuses me, to the point where I can write pages and pages about how I feel, and yet get nowhere with it. My mother doesn't understand a lot of things about me, and she often takes things the wrong way. When she does that, it usually results in me getting frustrated and muttering under my breath, or saying something negative or complaining, and that's usually where arguements come from. They come from misunderstandment.
