Nightshade ~ namjin

Night

It was a little past midnight as I walked into a different club I'd never been to before. It didn't matter much, because they're all the same deal. I just don't want to be recognized. Not that I would be, I'm meticulous about details.

What I do want people to remember me for, is my voice. In about a hour I have a singing gig across the street, but for now I'm just having fun. I go to the dance floor, I'm not fantastic at dancing but I don't care. I've once tried to be a poll dancer, and I was great on the poll. Then they saw me try to dance other ways because it was apart of the job and I failed miserably on that part.

I carelessly move my body until it's time to go. I choose to sing at bars for the most part, mainly because no one would be able to hear me at a club. I loved singing, it was one of my talents.

     I walk in and some people turn to look at me, some just continue talking. I don't really care about that though, I'll have everyone's eyes on me the second I sing the first note.

    I hurry to the stage and get set up. Then the owner of this bar introduced me. More eyes turned my way.

     "Tonight we have Kim Seokjin, singing his own song Awake! Please enjoy."

     I smiled and came up to the microphone. As soon as I started singing, my mind went into a small haze like feeling. I poured my emotions into this song. I wrote this song with purpose and I sing it with purpose too. My eyes are shut, my body is relaxed, but my brain and heart are wild.

      I slowly open my eyes on the last verse to see everyone looking at me. Other than my voice, there was only a few other whispers and the background music. I finish the song and people smile and clap. I know it isn't an upbeat song but they clearly enjoyed my song.

      I feel a sense of pride, but it diminishes as soon as I leave. I feel colder in the night, and there's no one to hold onto. Alone is all I'll ever be, or at least that's how it seems right now.

       I head back to the club for a few drinks, maybe some dancing if I feel up to it. The cold bites at my face so I quickly get through to the doors. They check my id and then I'm in.

I sat myself down and ordered two beers. Observing the people enjoying their night around me. I felt like calling my friend Jimin but I didn't. I was too scared to get attached to him, or anyone. He's always the one who has to call me first. I just can't do it. My heart is in too much pain.

I see a guy in the distance, trying to dance but failing as much as I do. I chuckle at the thought. He's having a good time, hanging out with a couple of friends. He looks as if he's on top of the world. I envy him a bit, he was happy. While I sit here alone in my mind.

My night draws to a close, as I leave I look for the guy I saw earlier. He was in my head. His dancing, and he even seemed to have purple hair but maybe it was the distance playing tricks on my mind. Unfortunately, I couldn't spot him so I leave without another glance back. I need to get home anyway.

The crescent moon shines bright and there's a few starts you can see behind the partly cloudy sky. I love the night, it's calming, and secretive. It can hide you, and put you at an advantage, Or blind you so you're prey. It was almost unforgiving, but calm. I love the night, the moon, and all the stars.

The drive back was peaceful, but as soon as I got home anxiety hit me like a bullet train. I don't know why it all happened at once. My hands started shaking and I fell before I could reach my front door.

       This was my life, constant loneliness, nobody to come home to. I feel like a piece of shit! Why do I hurt people? Why did I kill people! I start to cry, I'm shaking all over, I must look psycho to my neighbors if they're awake.

       I don't know what comes over me when I hurt people, maybe it's because I want to hurt my past abusers. I know I need professional help but those people could take me to prison! Or even worse a mental institution!

      There is no way I'll go to either. That comforts me a little, so I could stand and walk to the door. Before I go inside I look up at the stars. I wonder why I was dealt this hand in life, because I felt like trash from the moment I woke up, till the time I fall asleep.