The dark parts of my thoughts

A message to you

Maybe I don't talk to you because I don't fucking trust you. You make me feel less of a person. Whenever I say the truth and what I'm really thinking you just look at me like I'm a crazy person. And you tell me I'm ridiculous. Or you just yell at me.

Yes I have done my fair share of lying to you and shit like that. But please, please mother have a little faith in me. Because a little faith can go a long way. I know I'm fucked up in the head. I know that. You don't have to keep reminding me. You don't have to keep making me feel worse.

You don't have to keep reminding me that I'm not normal or that my mind is messed up. I'm reminded everyday by the voices in my head. The voices you said weren't real and that I'm just telling you that for attention. THE VOICES THAT ALMOST PUSHED ME TO FAR. THE VOICES WHO HATES ON ME EVERYDAY. THE VOICES WHO MAKE ME HATE MYSELF. THOSE VOICES HURT. And I eventually believe them. I eventually want them to stop. So I take pills, I self harm, I blare music. I do anything I can to make them shut up.

The things you call ridiculous, are the things I fear. I fear my own mind. I fear my own thoughts. I fear myself. I fear my room. I fear you mom... and little do you know you're the beginning of all my problems. But I can't tell you that. Cuz I know it'll destroy you, why do you think I am just now telling you I've been battling depression for two years.

Now you say that you know what depression is. I know your story. You only tell me it every time I bring up my story. I know it, you don't have to keep reminding me. You telling me only makes me feel worse because I know I have a good life. I have a man that adopted me and has raised me as I was his own. I'm not beaten at home. I haven't been assaulted. I have had a good life. So you telling me I have no reason to feel depressed only makes me feel guilty and hate myself even more. So fucking stop that. I'm begging you. You only make things worse. Why do you think I try and avoid you?

You saw my cuts a few days ago. You and dad both yelled at me cuz you think she did that. You think she influenced me to do it. But she had nothing to do with it. She didn't put the blade across my arm. She didn't tell me to do it. She didn't want me to do it. She only wanted the best for me. Ffs she loved me... and I loved her. But I'm not allowed to talk about her. I have no way to talk to her now... Everyone hates her. And that hurts me. We are friends now tho. We would lean on each other for help. We were there for each other whenever we both had no one. Now I can't talk to her... cuz I don't have a phone anymore. I can't talk to my friends, I can't talk to her, I can't even watch my shows on Netflix.

You want me to be a normal kid and love a normal life. You want me to feel normal. But I hate being normal or having someone want n to be normal. I'm not normal and I don't want to be. I want to be me mom. Just let me be me.

Sorry that I'm gay. Sorry that I self harm. Sorry I starve myself. Sorry I've lied so many times. Sorry I've hurt you so many times. Sorry you feel like you've lost your only daughter. Sorry you have no trust in me. Sorry that I just want to feel loved and accepted by you. Sorry I just want to feel wanted. Sorry that I am who I am. Sorry for everything.

I guess that's all I have to say to you... that I'm sorry mom... I'm sorry for being me...