Not Good Enough

boxes

Some people live in a box, no, not as in they're homeless, but, they just, live in a box. I too live in a box. My box is by far, not the biggest box but also, not the smallest.

This box that these people put themselves in, can be big as buildings, or so small they can't move.

Every box has a label, some have multiple labels, my box says 'not good enough' in big dark letters. Some have, 'ugly', 'fat', 'gross', 'undesirable', there are many other things the box can have on it. Some have just a blank label, because, they don't know why they are in the box, it is all they've ever known.

Back to my box.

'not good enough.'

What does that mean?

Well, to me it means that I can't do anything right, I am a waste of atoms, that I am someone that no one wants to hang out with, or look at, or speak to, text, love...

As I said, I don't have a huge box or a small box, it is, for a visual, the size of a medium sized closet. I sit in the corner and I have a little room around me on the ground and lots of room above me.

You'd think the bigger the box the better. More room for the bad thoughts that plague our lives. You'd be wrong. These boxes can be damaged, they can be broken down a little by things showing us that we aren't something that can be labelled with a few words, that we are complex growing individuals.

Compliments. Feats that go against our own self-image. People just wanting to talk to us.

Someone tells me they like talking to me, that I am a good friend, that I am a desirable human being, a little tear forms in the box.

Us who live inside these boxes, we are scared, we are scared of what lies outside our cosy, self-destructive box, so we think bad thoughts, times when that label was correct. These bad thoughts fill the box and seal the tear. The bigger the box, the more bad thoughts that can fit in it and the more that are needed to seal it. And trust me, we will go to the furthest we can to make sure it doesn't break. Because we feel that if it breaks, it will be worse and when we have a breakdown after, everyone will leave us and never look back.

People with smaller boxes, there is no room to seal them when they are damaged, so they break down easily. Even with all the bad thoughts in your brain to seal it, there is no room.

People with the biggest boxes, they drown in bad thoughts. Even if their labels are not true, they will fill it with lies that they tell themselves because no one will be brave enough or care enough to tell them otherwise.