Not Good Enough

walls

Some of us, we started to build walls to hide our demons inside. It's sad to say, but I started mine pretty early.

I have memories of a very important person in my life, saying that only fa*gots do something, it was like, shave their body hair or something. He was young, so, that was probably why he said that. But I was 6.

I didn't really know what it meant, I asked my dad and he just looked at me weird and asked who told me that word.

In the next few years, I was getting called that at school. I was called it almost weekly, if not daily. And, to be honest, being called something this important person also said, in such a mean tone. It hurt.

That is one of the many reasons, my walls started building up.

These walls, they are different than boxes, boxes hide all of us, while walls only hide parts of us.

People with walls, they're not unaffected by these monsters hiding inside them, these walls don't protect us from the knowledge that they are still there. And that hurts us, so, so much.

Today, I broke my walls down in one big swoop. A friend and I were talking about our pasts, I don't blame her for this either, and she told me about hers, and I told her about mine.

She got really sad at mine, I was telling her things I never told anyone. I took it all the way down until only a small cage was left for my last demon. After a bit she left, and another friend and I were speaking, and I let the last demon slip. A demon that, before that moment, no one knew about, not a single person, and sometimes, even I don't believe it happened.

Then, that friend had to leave as well, and I was left alone. Just me, and a head full of demons roaming around my head, who were brought to the surface, who filled my every waking thought.

Everyone romanticizes telling your demons, breaking your walls down and paving through the prison for the demons, and rebuilding a museum, to store your demons in display cases, and to learn from them and to become a better person.

But some people's demons, they still have ammo after all these years, they fight back, and they hurt. They hurt a lot. And for those people, breaking down the walls, going deeper than you ever had before, it just makes it worse. And this, this happened to me.

There is a truth to this that I discovered; Sometimes, it takes breaking a wall down, to realise why you built it in the first place.

And another note; it is easier to break a wall, than rebuild from the rubble.