Entangled Woman

Sowing

What description did I give about myself? Eccentric? Well that's the least of it.I was different,totally different.I didn't fit it and I knew it,I was trying to find my way in the world which seemed like it didn't have much to offer me.I smiled but I didn't feel that way inside,to be honest,it can't possibly be explained how it feels like to be left out,till you experience it.Countless times I was surrounded by the people I knew and cared about,but it didn't help,I was surrounded but I still felt alone,it was deep,pretty deep . Sometimes I felt like a hug was what I needed but it wasn't years of accumulated loneliness,soon turned into something else,I thought I was strong because constantly I saw myself being numb,lacking any sense of emotion or compassion and to me that was strength,I had no idea that true strength was when you fought your own demons.
About that...I think everyone has demons,even those who seem perfect live an entirely different life behind the closet.Its scary to think that with all those beautiful faces I saw everyday at Kaligrab who smiled,told jokes,gossiped about so many issues (well not worth mentioning) every one in Kaligrab behind those smiles had pain caused by the demons they faced and even though they didn't show it often,it was deep in them,lurking and if those demons were not fought or handled on time,disaster would strike!

This is Rubie Valle...the way I saw things I knew was different from the way others did.I was different and to me,it wasn't a blessing.I was hurt with my difference which I still think you haven't properly understood yet.Please don't judge me yet I'm a mere mortal...I have faults and weaknesses and I sometimes comfort myself by thinking that I am a perfect imperfection.To be honest with you,I usually get myself entangled in the situations I find myself in.People wouldn't see that I think different because that isn't what exactly came out from my mouth.My thoughts didn't match my actions or my words.I think I was the type who knew exactly what to do in my mind,but it just wouldn't come out right.Over and over I regretted my words,my actions because people judged me by them,but that was not who I really was.
Truth be told,I couldn't help myself but it was obvious that I needed help.
One time at Hathaway College,I knew that something was terribly wrong when I got into the class.I must have said or done something I can't remember which must have gotten them angry at me.Vandhouer was not an entirely good friend well she wasn't a friend,an acquaintance that is who she was to me.I told her alot,I told her too much maybe I should have had a little more control over my mouth.Is it the truth? I told Vandhouer.Is it a lie?it certainly seemed nice when I told her all about it.I developed a stronger bond towards my acquaintances than my actual friends...call me weird or crazy,but that is Rubie Valle for you.
Even though I rarely expressed myself in the right ways,I just tried to talk so I didn't get back to the loneliness.Being alone is scary and I don't mean being left alone in a dark room,I mean being left alone in your mind even when hundreds of people surround you,that loneliness you can't express the loneliness no one understands but you.That type kills...because at that moment you start thinking of the craziest and the unimaginable,you start putting your heart and mind in situations you know for a fact will never occur,it scares you who you have turned out to be,but you can't turn back the hands of time.

I tried pulling myself out of these thoughts, I really did...but it didn't work,I tried telling myself that I will go through the normal natural life that I was made to understand that women went through,but a thought kept on coming making me feel that somehow,somewhere,at one time,women will have a say.

Women will stand up and rise for what they believed in,women will be given a chance we will not be looked down on,we will prove them wrong.
If you didn't know,thinking such thoughts in Kaligrab was crazy,it was impossible,in fact it was absurd,it wasn't proper that a woman,a mere woman (as some will put it) will chose to fight,after all, " all that they have is what we have given them out of our abundant generosity" as the Valiente brothers will tell their wives.These were the conditions and circumstances in which, Rubie Valle was born.It was rather unfortunate then that I was born as a female,well,so they made me understand.It was hard and it was tough being a woman,it was a shame that some women while pregnant will spend their time praying and begging and pleading for a male child from God.
It feeled me with disgust knowing that they were ashamed of their own kind,so don't blame for being this way,for talking about the rebellion and being enthusiastic about it,it was one of the few things that made me happy,that made me feel valuable.A feeling I longed for,I feeling I hoped for and a Feeling I somehow acquired.

July was still extremely upset,after several attempts to make he smile which failed miserably,I gave up...she could sulk all day,I had tried the best I could.