Title of Work:
Diamante
Sub-genre
Fantasy
Author Name:
Critique Notes from Red_Harvey
*Disclaimer* I don't usually critique fantasy, and this will be the only unwarranted sci-fi request I'll accept. From here on out, I'm strictly sci-fi*
*The beginning is cute, and reminds me of when I'm trying to put my kids to sleep.
*When you write, "Diamante nodded her head", the part "her head" can be deleted, as it's implied. What else is she gonna nod? ;-p
*In the same sentence, aim to limit the use of possessive pronouns, as it tends to err on the side of repeat-y.
Current: "Diamante nodded her head enthusiastically, her auburn curls bouncing."
Revised: "Diamante nodded enthusiastically, auburn curls bouncing."
The reader already knows it's Diamante's head (great name, btw), and so they can assume it's also her auburn curls that are bouncing. I'm a fan of deleting clutter and implied phrasing, so I'd even cut "enthusiastically" since you mention the curls bouncing, but that's up to you.
*When inserting dialogue, you can never go wrong with the simplicity of "he said"/"she said". In the first instance of dialogue, you mention the fairy crying out. I'd say it's not needed since you also explain that she's trying to keep the impatience out of her voice. Similarly consider changing "the girl responded" to "the girl said."
*Hehe, Diamante the little troublemaker. With a name like that, of course :D
*Don't forget to add a word when necessary, otherwise the sentence may appear to read as a fragment.
Current: "Lilac wondered why the child had been so quiet during the bedtime story, usually Diamante always..."
Revised: "Lilac wondered why the child had been so quiet during the bedtime story, [as] usually Diamante always..."
Also, consider deleting either "usually" or "always", because you don't need both in the same sentence.
*The prologue left me wondering about Diamante, for sure. A human baby born of fairy parents? Reminds me of The Fairy Rebel by Lynne Reid Banks.
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