Not Fast Enough // [Phan]

Who Am I

The world around me is spinning around as I stand up on my feet. My body feeling as though I just got off of a ride at a carnival. Except instead of it being one of the fun rides that people enjoy this one is more harsh and makes me gut wrenchingly sick to the point where I feel like I could fall and black out at any moment.

My feet soon begin to slowly shuffle towards the door of the room while my hands reach for any object it can slide its fingers around to keep me from falling again. My whole body is in excruciating pain as I move, but I know that it would be in even more later tonight if I don't move now.

Once my body has finally gotten me to the lavatory I can't seen to want to move anymore. All I want is to fall flat on the cold floor and let the pain course through my body while doing nothing else. It's like a living hell to move and I don't want to be here. All I wish is that some sweet relief would come upon me and sweep me off my feet to carry me to a world with no more pain and no more cuts and bruises to cover up with makeup.

Once I'm finally standing in front of the mirror I see the reflection of a young boy. He's looks beaten up and worn down like his soul.

I've never wanted to be like this boy, but it's me. I'm the boy in the reflection of this cold forsaken mirror.

My hands are tightly gripped onto the sink and are shaking along with the rest of my body as I continue to stand there. I feel a small draft of a cold breeze hit me and that alone makes my legs feel weaker.

One of my hands then slowly reach up to open the cabinet to grad the things that can at least cover up my imperfections on the outside. The ones on the inside are unrepairable and show the disgusting the creature I am. The monster my parents and everyone else who ever cared about me could see.

Once the products are out I open them to prepare for covering up this terrible mess of me. I then take a deep breath and here the cycle continues to go on again.

The moment I start to apply the material to my skin is the moment I surrender to him once again. This is how it goes every time. He beats me up, I put on make up, and then no matter what I do I eventually just get beaten up again. This has become the thing I've been following for years now. It's what he wants, and I have to do as he commands.

When I see the reflection after I'm done applying makeup to myself I almost can't tell that it's the boy I saw earlier. It looks all shiny and new. Almost like as though it were a fake.

Now the boy in the reflection of the mirror is just a another person lost in this world for no reason. A robot for others to control. He doesn't know who he is anymore, and can only believe what everyone else has told him he is.

My thoughts soon get interrupted by a knocking at the door and I dark voice to spitefully hit my ears moments after the sound. "Knock knock, you fucking slut. You better be done in there soon, or else I think I'll decide to extend your punishment for a bit longer today." Blade's sinister voice rings. I then begin to go in a panic and check my makeup one last time before putting the supplies away.

In an encore to the last time my arms are now aching badly yet again from the faster pace in movement I was doing moments prior when I had to scramble to put away my things. I don't mind that much though to the fact that I know it could be worse if I stayed in here for longer.

I am about to open the door when a sudden wave of fear hits me like a raging flood of water. I am frozen with my hand wrapped around nob like a snake as I listen to the nerve rattling sound of breathing that is coming from the other side of paper-thin door.

As much as I know it's more dangerous to stay in here for longer the thought of opening this tiny separation from him is a nightmare that has to come true. I don't want to do this, but must be done. I can't stay in here forever.

I take in a small shaky breath before turning to open the small barrier that was separating me from the man who has hurt me so many times. I now feel a sudden coldness over come my body, but at least I'm not in my little hiding anymore.