Ellucid (Ellucid #1) ★

Seventeen

Any happy, fuzzy feelings I had disintegrate by breakfast the next morning.

Emery sits across from me, wolfing down pancakes and an omelette. Beside me, Ryan picks at her food more hesitantly, removing tiny pieces of ham from her eggs.

I only got toast from the cafeteria line, and now I stare at it while my stomach does somersaults. After we eat, Marisa expects us to take the subway to Asher's apartment. After that, I don't want to think about what will happen.

"You need to eat," says Emery, finally looking up from his plate. It's half empty, like he hasn't lost his appetite at all. I guess he's used to this. Maybe eventually, my morning-of-the-mission jitters will go away, too.

To oblige, I take a tiny bite of toast, but it feels dry in my mouth. "Is nobody else nervous?"

"I am," says Ryan. "I had another nightmare last night."

"What about?" I ask.

She shrugs and takes a small bite of her eggs. "Marisa told me I can't tell you anymore. I'm sorry."

I tighten my jaw and remind myself to ask Marisa about this later. No doubt, she want to prevent from becoming so "absorbed" in my dreams that I lose concept of reality. What she doesn't know if that I don't need protecting. If I'm on even footing with the rest of the team, then I'm entitled to the same information they are.

"Are you going to tell Emery?" I ask her.

"No." She shakes her head, her curls bouncing. "I'm only allowed to tell Marisa."

Emery glances sideways at me, as if he detects the bite in my tone. Memories of our kiss flash back, but they do little to reassure me. I doubt anything could calm my nerves right now.

Last night, I'd been very clear on my feelings for Emery, but now I'm not so sure. How will they compare to how I feel when I see Asher? And what if I don't see him at all? I realize I've built all this up to some big reunion, like I'll run into his arms and he'll spin me around and realize he should never have turned to the dark side.

But that's not how things will happen. I already know. We'll fight. I can already imagine the smell of the smoke tickling my nostrils, the acrid burning smell. And I'll have to use my powers—that feels like anticipating a pop quiz in school. Except this isn't high school anymore and now a mistake could be deadly.

Now I've lost all desire to eat. Silently, I shove my plate toward Emery, and he takes the toast without another word. I can tell he senses my desire to avoid a debate about how much I should eat.

We finish our breakfasts without another word, absorbed in out own thoughts. I go through all of my simulations, trying to figure out how to adapt each one to this situation. If I can, I'll use my powers in any way possible to avoid using the gun.

"All right," says Emery, standing. "Everyone ready?"

Ryan and I stand, too. When I glance over at her, I see her hands are shaking.

"We'll head over to Marisa and she'll prep us and give us our gear," he says. "Let's go."

We follow him like two lost puppies. All around us, people stop eating to watch us go—they must know about the mission, too. I run my hands through my hair and wonder if they expect me to be the badass heroine who returns triumphantly. That won't be me. That much I know.

Emery slows down to fall into step beside me, a hand curling around my waist. "I know you've got this," he murmurs, his lips close to my ear, "but it's important you don't leave in the middle of the mission this time. We need all of us for this to work."