Cursed To Live

Chapter 1

Waking up to such a saturated sunrise is the best thing you can wake up to. But knowing that your day will be horrible you could never enjoy it to its fullness. Help me.  It is Friday. A day people spend at home, with their families. Help me.  A day I have to spend with my mother. Save me.  The worst kind of day for me. Having to spend the day with the person you hate, the person, who hates you. How could you call that "your family"? For me family means being hated, being misplaced.  Save me, please.  I have never known what home is. Home is where you feelloved, please love me. 
And now I have to get up. Why can't I just not wakeup one morning? Why won't my life be over? I go to the window and light a cigarette. It's cold outside. I feel the cold wind on my face, on my hands. Wind, as cold as my soul.
"Throw that cigarette away and come here now!" My mother broke the silence, shouting from downstairs. Oh, how much I hate that woman... as much as she hates me. She never wanted me. She told me that I was a "product" of her cheating on her husband. She got pregnant and tried to make an abortion, but I survived. It would have been okay if her husband could have kids. But he couldn't so he left her. And the one she cheated on him with didn't want her. After I was born she became a prostitute. Men often come at our house for sex. She drugs them and steals their money and valuables. And they have sex. Very loud sex, just as her clients like it. They sometimes want to do it with me but thanks to the drugs they are weak and can't hurt me. But one of them almost did. He was a very rich fat guy who probably was a drug addict and mother's drug didn't affect him that much. He liked me crazily and wanted to rape me. He got to my room, my mother shouting after him, and slapped me. He pulled my hair and threw me on the bed. He lied on me and started kissing my face. I hardly reached for the knife under my bed... I couldn't find it... I finally found it as he was about to rip my clothes off and put it on that pig's throat, ready to cut and end his meaningless life. He froze at first and then backed off. I made him get out of my room, locked the door and broke down. Tears started dripping down my face... I was so scared. My hands were hurting where he had held me.
"What are you doing?" my mother snatched me off my thoughts.
"I'm coming."
I went down and made myself a coffee.

*  *  *

I had to go to school. As if the day could get any worse. I am just as you imagine – an outsider, no friends, no one to talk to. The looser everyone is making fun of. As I am waiting for the bus I am smoking another cigarette. I feel it burn my lips but I really don't care. Ignite my soul, please. The bus arrives and I have to throw what's left of my cigarette – such a loss. Getting in the bus I feel everybody staring at me and laughing.
"Did you blow someone to get money, bitch? " a boy said and made all of them laugh. Yes, they know. Everything. They know about my mother, they know about the accident with that pig. Gossip spreads fast in a small town like mine.
"Shut up, Mark. Don't be a jerk." Said another boy, but this time I knew who he was. I knew that voice. It was one of the most popular and handsome boys in our school. All girls like him, except for me. I never did. He appears to me like just another jerk who thinks he is the best of all. I don't like this kind of boys. But all of them are like this so I have never fallen in love. And I don't think I ever would.
"Go jerk off to pictures of her Sam!" Mark replied. I just couldn't bear listening to them anymore so I took my headphones out of my bag and started listening to music.
By the time the bus stopped I really needed a cigarette. I couldn't bear being around these people knowing they are talking about me. I got out of the bus before it had even stopped and quickly hid behind the school where I can smoke unnoticed. Teachers hate smokers. That's why most people are afraid to smoke, they are afraid to be different.  I am afraid too. The bell rang. I will be late again, great. I throw away my cigarette and start running. I honestly don't want to go because they will all stare at me and laugh... again. I want to disappear.  I just want to be like them. Do I want that much?
"Did they just fuck you, whore?" someone said when I opened the door and the class started laughing.
"Quiet, class!" shouted Miss Adams, our Math teacher. "Come in, Jessica."
Yes, she is the only teacher that likes me. Well, she and Mr. Davidson, my English teacher. And yes, my name is Jessica. Jessica Harpey. The girl nobody likes. The girl nobody loves. The girl that is always ready to cry, the girl that is broken. The girl who has nobody to fix her broken parts, to stick them together. The girl that acts like she is devoid of feelings while being stuffed with them.
The bell rang again and I jumped off my seat. I had to get out of this room. I had to hide somewhere. I started running down the hallway.