Cursed To Live

Chapter 2

I started running down the hallway. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. Running, I was looking at my legs so that I don't fall. I don't want them staring at me. I want to be left alone. Running, I collided with him. The boy who defended me this morning in the buss. It was Sam. I just looked at him and felt my face heating. I felt the redness on my face and then realised I had dropped my books. He saw me looking at them and picked them up.
"Are you going out to smoke?" he asked me smiling.
"Y-yes" I answered.
"It is bad for you." He said but his smile was no longer there. He was judging me. I could feel his cold eyes underneath my skin.
"I know" I answered but took my eyes off him.
"So why are you doing it? It is killing you."
"So? I have nothing to live for anyway." I answered angrily and went where I was going. I felt my eyes burning. They were wet and tears were about to start falling. I lighted a cigarette, trying to calm my feelings down. Why am I about to break down? Why do I care what he thinks? Why does he care about me anyway?
I finally calmed down. Oh I have English... And he is in the same class as me. Fuck. I went in and quickly got to the classroom. There was no one in there, only Mr. Davidson.
"Hello, Jessica. " he smiled at me.
"Hello, sir." I smiles back at him. He knew I don't like to talk a lot so he continued doing what he was when I got in. I sat on my table quietly waiting for the lesson to start. The bell rang and everyone came. This time nobody even noticed me. I felt thankful and calm.
The teacher started talking but I just couldn't focus on listening to him. I couldn't get my conversation with Sam out of my head. Why do I care? Please love me.  I don't need him. I don't need anybody.

***

Time passed away and I had to go home. I have to spend time with my mother. As if I ever have. My mother always has clients. I rarely see her and we rarely talk. I get in our house and I hear her moaning. She's in her bedroom with another rich old pig who has no wife, no kids and has nothing to do with his millions of dollars. And there my mother comes in handy. They have sex with her and it sounds like they are enjoying it. Even though she steals their money they come back.
I go to my room, open the window and light a cigarette.
"It is bad for you." I hear his voice in my  head. Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP! I finally break down. The whole day of holding my tears back bursts at once. Why am I crying? The last time I cried was then I was almost raped. Back then I promised myself that I would never cry again, that I would be strong. And I never broke this promise. Until now. All those years have come to me at once. I cry and cry. I can't stop no matter how hard I try. What is happening to me? It's it because of... him? No it can't be. I don't even know him how could he be the reason for this? He can't be the reason. But what could be? One, two, three cigarettes... I just can't stop. And suddenly I hear the door of my mother's bedroom open. Her session with the client is over. And I suddenly stop crying. What am I doing? I can't afford to cry. This is not me. I wipe the tears off my face and sit on  the  bed.
10 minutes later my mother enters my room. She doesn't knock, she just comes in.
"Today I got a call from your school." She looked me angrily.
"What? Why?" I was shocked.
"A student has reported you for smoking. Listen to me, you good for nothing, I don't want problems because of you. The next time you create a problem for me I'm not going to ignore it. The next time I'm kicking you out." She shouted and went out of my room. I could not say a word. Not because I was scared of her but because I knew who had reported me. I can't believe that jerk has done this. Doesn't he have anything else to do? I hate him. I hate him. And I broke down again. Suddenly I started crying again. I lay on my bed and go on crying until I fall asleep.