The One Who Waited- Snowbarry Short Story AU

Unsteady

Hold
Hold on
Hold on to me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold
Hold on
Hold on to me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady  

Unsteady- X Ambassadors

_____________________________________

Present Day

I lay in bed that night not knowing what to think or what to do. I don't know why I keep on doing this to myself... it's only going to lead me to a much darker place than I already am in. I've never felt more alone.

I know that she's so close. Only on the other side of this wall. So close but I can't have her, I never can and I never will. She isn't mine and never was. I need to stop acting and pretending like that one day she will miraculously wake up and realise that she has feelings for me. It's never going to happen and I need to accept that.  

The thing is I have already accepted my fate. She doesn't need to feel teh same way about me, I understand why she doesn't I'm nothing. The only thing that I don't understand is why she even wants to be friends with me, what's to be anywhere near me. I'm a failure and she doesn't deserve such a waste of space and a life near her. 

I may have accepted that she doesn't feel the same way and she never will but that doesn't numb the pain. That doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm still madly in love with her and my feelings will never change for her. I will love her for the rest of my life until I die. Whether that death was sooner or later. I may not be the love of her life but she will always be the love of mine. She is my soulmate, even if I'm not hers.

I rolled over in my bed onto my side facing the wall and curled my body up into a ball with my knees tucked up to my chest as I sobbed into my pillow. This wasn't a rare occurrence. It happened most nights and rarely didn't happen. 

I glanced at the wall with teary eyes then continued sobbing into the pillow trying to muffle my desperate and pained sobs. The walls were very thin and if I didn't muffle the sounds leaving my mouth then she would surely hear me. But just as much as she can hear me, I can hear her. 

You have no idea how many torturous nights I have spent crying even more than usual when I have to listen to Caitlin and some guy that she brought home. Why can't that be me? It should be me. why aren't I good enough? what do they all have that I don't? WHy do they always the girl? The girl that I love.

As teh thoughts rushed in and out of my mind, my sobs became louder and louder and knew that I had to stop myself before I completely break down. But I think I've gotten to teh point of no return. I am broken. She broke me. Now I can't live without her. I can't move me or let go.

I have tried to hard to get over my love for her and move on but I just can't. Every time I try I end up seeing her again and remembering everything that I love and adore about her and end up loving her even more than before and then realise the fact and truth. I will never get over her. How can you ever get over the love of your life? It's impossible. I've tried so hard over and over but it always ends unsuccessfully. What's the point? I just can't move on. She's teh only woman for me.

I looked over to my desk and saw the drafts of my letters. The anonymous love letters that I send her. It didn't start off this way. I just... I couldn't carry on keeping in and suppressing my feelings when I was around her so I figured that it would be a good way to express my feelings towards her without her knowing that it was me because I was too scared to tell her. It started about six months or so after I realised that I was in love with her. So about two years ago right after we started our second year at university.