i saw my mom cry today. she cried because chester bennington of linkin park is dead. but not just that. she cried because it was suicide. she told me she cried because of me. because i used to talk about suicide. her tears are false. her words are blank. she knows she doesnt mean that. my words meant nothing to her. theyre still all there. in my head. in my thoughts. my brain has never stopped thinking those thoughts. but because i dont have any scratches on my arms like the rest of the people it doesnt matter. she doesnt seek for help. she doesnt mean what she thinks she does. if she truly cared about my thoughts back then she would ask how i feel now.
but maybe thats just it. maybe its because i dont go through with it. maybe its because i dont scratch myself up. im not worthy of wasting someones time with my problems. and its funny how ive grown up with that same attitude. im not worthy of wasting peoples time with my problems. i dont trust many people. i dont tell my parent about it anymore. my brother never really wants to talk. my friends and girlfriend dont need me wasting their time. but im okay with that. i learn to hide behind a smile. it works for the most part. but ive learned to lie my way around the people who see behind the smile. its a vicious cycle but its the life that im used to.
words are such a blank thing these days. people take words so vaguely and throw them away with no real cause for concern. people care about actions. mental illness means nothing if you arent dead or bleeding. but thats what ive come to terms with. thats what we all come to terms with.
