Broken Dreams ✓

o3 | green lenses

day 3 ➜ a letter to my parents

Dear Mum and Dad,

I don't know why I'm wasting my time here addressing a letter to you guys, but I am so read it. It's taken a lot for me to sit here and think about what to say to you people.

Firstly, there are two days I hate most on this earth, mother's day and father's day. I hate them because they always remind me of what I never had, a mother and a father.

I've never forgotten what Mike told me about how I arrived at Aldertree. Never, but now I wish I did, as maybe... I wouldn't have ended up like this. Broken, alone and incarcerated.

When I was old enough to understand, Mike told me that you, Dad, dropped me off at Aldertree, saying you were going to sort some things out and then come back for me. That's what Mike told me, and I believed it. I believed you were going to come back for me. I believed you only had to sort out a few things. And because I believed you, I never allowed myself to be fostered or adopted, but rather I stayed at Aldertree, waiting, for you.

And you never came.

I wanted you to come through Aldertree's doors and take me to the place you call home. I wanted to live with you, I wanted all those clichés son's do with their father's in the movies. I wanted all of that. All of that with you.

I wanted someone to rely on. Someone to catch me when I fell, someone to tell me it was us against the world. Someone who could have given me the love and care a child should need so that they don't crave it from somewhere else (or the wrong places).

I needed that.

But we don't always get we want.

I never get what I want.

Not truly.

I even saved stuff you'd want for when you'd come to get me. I have this small wooden box and it's where I keep my baby teeth. I don't know why but I thought you might want them. Something to remember my youth by.

There's so much I wanted and so much I didn't get. I know you guys probably gave me up because you couldn't afford to keep me or the circumstances weren't right or something. I get that, we've all got issues. I know that more than most, I'm writing this from prison for Christ's sake.

But how can you forget your child like that? Don't you miss me? Do you even think about me?

And another question, I've always wanted to be answered... I know I'll probably never find out. But... why was it Dad that dropped me off at Aldertree? Where was Mum? Aren't Mum's supposed to at least feel something? You carried me for 9 months. And anytime I did spend with you as a baby was too long ago for me to remember you properly.

I remember your voice as you used to sing me a lullaby, but I don't remember your face, Mum. I wish I did. I want to know who I look more like.

I vaguely remember you, Dad. I remember holding your hand as we walked up the pathway to Aldertree, and I looked up at you. But no matter how much I try, I can't see your face clearly. I can just about see your jaw, with stubble.