The unsent letters of convicted double murderer Harry Styles, explaining why he ended up buried in a world of broken dreams. What happened to innocent till proven guilty?
( cover design: @crescend )
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day 20 ➜ to the person that broke my heart the hardest
Dear Dad,
I know this letter to you is stupid. If you've read this far, you'll probably think this letter should be addressed to Cristine (my cheating ex-fiancé) or Jaime (someone who I once considered as family that stabbed me in the back) or my Mum (the person who carried me for nine months and discarded me like a rag) but no. I'm addressing this to you, Dad.
Whatever your name is, and you want to know why it's you and not any of the people mentioned above? Because of you, Dad. You gave me something that broke me harder than all those people.
You gave me hope. That day when you dropped me off at Aldertree why did you tell the staff there that you'd come back for me when the time was right? Why did you do that? Why? You know how many lovely people came wanting to foster me or even adopt me? Quite a few over the years, but I never went, with any of them.
I always declined to go. I never let myself be taken because I was under the influence that you'd come for me.
You gave me this feeling of hope and me being the small innocent child I and didn't want to give that up. So I didn't and I stayed there at Aldertree Children's Home, waiting for you to show up.
But you never came.
This hope you gave me wasn't like any other type of hope there is out there. It's the type of feeling that makes or breaks a person, in my belief and guess what? It broke me.
No matter how old I got, how many winters, summers, springs and autumns had passed there I was waiting. I was waiting like a dog whose been abandoned by their owner. You never really owned me I guess, I'm not a thing (but I might as well be).
I'm a human being and sometimes my feelings take control like when I proposed to Christine or when I stubbornly declined the possibility of knowing or having a family as a child because I clung onto a silly notion of you.
Of my Dad.
You were the one that was meant to protect me, teach me and love me.. You were meant to be there for me, but you couldn't really care less.
When I got sentenced for Christine and Jaime's death you probably didn't even know where I was going let alone that at one point in my miserable little life I was even engaged to be married.
There have been so many times I've wondered what it'd be like to see you. I'd always imagined that I'd just know like I'd see you walk past, my eyes would follow you walk away and my head would turn and I'd know it was you.
It's pretty damn stupid, I know, but at this point, I can't help falling for my idiotic tendencies because look at where I am. It can't get much worse unless the death penalty comes back to the British law or I get murdered in here or... I lose the will to carry on breathing and just off myself. Who knows?
You know what. The moment guys left me, you should not have left the idea of you coming back for me.
You left me this empty feeling, of so many things I can't begin to explain, but it eats away inside of me leaving me more broken each day.
I feel like I can't even live like this, I wanna die every single day.
Everything just seems pitch black at this point, all the little lights I once had are faded.
I'm a bird struggling to fly, my wings are struggling with each flutter, you don't understand how badly I want to just give up and drop out of the sky.
What makes this, even more, worse is that this whole time you've been through all my struggles and feelings with me because you're a part of me. You're 50% of my genetic DNA. I think I get it though when people claim that if they're loved one every died that they'd feel it because that night when I got to Christine's flat I already knew she'd gone. I could feel it inside of me, this small sickening feeling that something had gone terribly wrong. But with you, Dad. Even though you're 50% of my DNA I don't I'd know or feel it.
Ironic huh? Someone I have 0% DNA with I can feel when they are in trouble, fatal trouble, but you Dad, not a chance and I share 50% of my DNA with you.
Yikes, I don't even know if you're even still alive right now, I hope so. I wouldn't wish death on someone, that's just not right.
Even when I was getting married, or convicted even still at the lowest point in my life I wanted to meet you, Dad.
All my life I missed you.
All my life I waited for you to show up, Dad.
All my life I fought people and circumstances to keep the candle I was holding for you, Dad, but now... I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of missing someone/something I never had.
I'm tired of trying to mend the brokenness inside of me. I'm tired of trying to fill a hole that will never be filled... because you were the first person to break my heart.
And right now, in this very moment that I'm writing these words, you continue to break it even now.
Have you no shame?
What happens when I'm gone and dead? Will you continue to break my blue blooded heart even then?
