Barrier of Steel

Prologue

"I had always known it to be true. Though, I do regret not thinking it  would happen sooner then it did. You see, I never wanted people to hurt me. So, instead of shying away from them, I built a wall around me. This wall moved further and further from my true identity, and I continued building over it. Who would have known that no structure lasts forever? I always thought it would fade away when I fell in love. That my soul mate would burst in and come to save me. But no. Here I am, as my wall breaks down. People learning my true identity. Getting closer and closer to finding who I am. I didnt want this. I never did. Its just, I was so sick and tired of people pushing me around. If no one knows you, then how can they hurt you? If they dont know you, how will they learn to care? Well, you have to understand. This is not the case at all."  I explained, with a slight shrug. I refused to make I contact with him. So, instead I just continued.

"You know, I have been in love once. Of course it didnt last. I pushed him away from me. Just out of arms reach. Just far enough away from me. He couldnt hurt me. No, not at all. It was the other way around. One day, he said he loved me. I knew...... Well, I thought this couldnt be true. He didnt know me. How can you love someone you dont know? So, I broke his heart. He missed a few days of school, and I felt fine. Dont you understand that? I felt fine." I told the boy before me, fighting tears. It was rare for me to cry. I knew it was. And here he was, just..... listening. Learning all the secrets I had never told anyone. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down.

"Not even my parents know. They thought that my new behavior was just me becoming a teenager. They never knew that their little girl was still here. Still begging to come out, and help them with the dishes. To help them take care of my siblings. I didnt let her come, though. I forced her to stay behing the safety wall. Do you know how hard that was? The ones I loved most in life, so very far away. I even lost my best friends when I decided what I did. I remember how we used to walk to the library together, and pick up a few books.The way we would be the outsiders in the cafeteria, and not care at all. I still watch them sit back there from my seat sometimes. Longing to race over there and sit down. But, I dont. This life I have chosen for myself has.... destroyed me. I thought it was the only way. Before you judge me too harshly, just know I thought it was the only way." He exhaled, and I searched his face for something. Anything. Understanding, annoyance, confusion. Anything. But it was blank as paper. My palms began to sweat as I stared into his green eyes.

"Please, say something." I pleaded, being as quiet as possible. "You know, even though I feel so weird telling you this, Its relieving. I feel more like myself then I have in years. The whole time I was hiding behind that wall, I felt so uncomfortable. Sometimes I would have to bight my toungue when someone was being pushed around. Even my clothing made me feel uncomfortable. I changed from sweatshirts, jeans, and sneakers to t-shirts, skinny jeans, and high heels. Yes, I continued wearing skinny jeans. I thought that I could at least have one thing still be me." I ran a hand through my blonde hair with black tips. "Not even my hair is the same. It is so much shorter now. I used to use my hair as.... almost a curtain to block out the world around me while I would read. Now its so short. I miss it so, so much.

"Its funny. How much you can miss the littlest things in life. You never really know what you have until it is gone. Something.... as small as your hair. Your clothes. Even the smile that you shared with people so rarely. I miss it. I miss me." I laughed slightly. I worried that he could tell it was a pained laugh. It was so easy to tell. My emotions were so readable now. Just like they used to be. I still missed my wall sometimes. No, it wasnt all gone yet. Only at certain times do I show. But, I already missed hiding my true feelings. Not being so readable. He didnt need to know that yet. I will tell him some other time. Maybe... but not now. I am not ready.