Shy

Ch. 4

My life might suck at school, but it also sucks at home. I moved to this insignificant small town with small minded people who only cared about how rich they were. I remember the day I moved to this town.

It was raining when the moving truck got to our house and for a sad day already it made it sadder. We packed up our car and I turned around and looked at my house one last time. The sky was crying and so was I but I wouldn't show it, so I put a fake smile on for my mom. I'm leaving the house I grew up in. The house where I would dance down the hallway and make cakes in our small kitchen. The house that held my childhood and the neighborhood that held my friends. As time slowly passed by in the car I didn't say a single word to my mom. I was mad at her for lying to me. I was mad for what she did, but I wouldn't show it.
We finally got to our three bedroom apartment and my new family was already there. My stepdad and stepsister which I liked, but I didn't know that later I wouldn't like them as much.
I watched as box after box got carried into our new home and everybody was rushing around.

That night I was in my room pulling my things out of the boxes and as I pulled them out memories flashed before me. I felt sad and empty inside, but I couldn't tell anyone because they would say it's because of the move.
Soon days passed and then it was months passed and as they passed it got worse. I was becoming invisible to my own family and when I tried to get there attention they would say leave them alone. I started losing my friends and everything just started crumbling and coming apart.
When the school year started I moved to my grandparents house to finish middle school at my old school and there I was just lonely. It was lonely as I spent my days in my room after school and it was boring. My birthday soon came around and my mom didn't even come to town to see me which hurt. I spent that night alone in my room and I felt so sad.
Once school was over I went back home to my family and it just got worse. I had a secret and no one knew my little secret. That summer I had a eating disorder and for three months I starved myself and no one even noticed that I had stopped eating. They believed me when I said "yeah I ate today" and no one noticed. It was never my intention to do this to myself, but I guess when you hate yourself so much it can happen. I got better on my own though.
I thought things would get better when I started high school, but they didn't. That year I was the new girl that had no friends. The girl that was a loser and loner that everybody forgot about. That was till I made a friend, but she turned against me. This girl Maya started rumors and spread them through out the school. I thought she was my friend, but she wasn't and I was just hurt again.
They only time people would talk to me is when they had to and if they had to sit next to me they would laugh at me. It was the same the other way too if I had to sit with someone the class would start laughing like that one day.
My name was called and I made my way towards the seat. I could see people laughing and I could hear them making fun of me, but I tried to ignore them. I sat down in my seat and I could feel tears coming so I looked down at my hands and tried to blink them away. In that moment I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me up so I wouldn't have to be here.
That day was like everyday at school for me. Some days I would sit down and I would hear "ew she's so fat" or "well she's not that fat." They would say these things and every time my self esteem went down, but I didn't show that it hurt. I went home everyday crying and wishing it would just stop. I felt like a burden to my step sister who had to take me home everyday and then I would hear my parents complain about it. I would hear my step sister complain about it and of course her sag took her side. I felt like a burden to my own family and friends and some days I didn't want to be alive anymore.
All I have ever wanted was a big happy family with a great dad and just the family you see in the movies. That family your jealous of because they're so happy with each other, but I never got that and I never will.

A year later we moved into a house, but it didn't get better. The day I was moving in one of my best friends was with me and that day wasn't a good day. That day my mom called me a bitch and when it comes from someone you look up to it hurts.
I had just gotten into an argument with my mom and now I was in my room unpacking with my friend. The door opened and all my mom said was "your a bitch Amber" and she slammed the door. I was leaning against the wall and I slid down it letting the tears fall and I fell to the ground. I started sobbing and my friend kneeled down beside me and just held me while I cried. She stroked my hair and told me everything was going to be ok and that's all I needed. I just needed in that moment for someone to tell me it was going to be ok and hold me while I cry and that's what she did.

That day was hard, but not as the hard as the days that would come. I had hear my parents fight almost constantly and it hurt, but most of the time it was about me when I did nothing wrong. They could always find something wrong with me, but one day they were fighting and my step dad said something that hurt me so much. I couldn't even look at him because it hurt so much. They thought I didn't hear it but I did. My own family called me a disappointment once but this hurt way worse.

They would yell at me for not doing something but they didn't know I wanted to die. I didn't want to live because of the pain they were putting me through. I would laugh and smile around them and everybody else and no one noticed I wasn't ok. Behind closed doors though I was a mess and so sad and I felt all of these emotions. I wanted to scream and say can't you see that your hurting me. I felt like I was drowning and no one saw me. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn't make it to the surface and that I was suffocating. All of the pressure and what everyone expected of me was weighing me down and I wanted to scream and run away, but I couldn't. I would never run away no matter what happened I just felt like it.
At night several times I would cry myself to sleep and no knew or heard me. No one noticed that I wasn't ok, so I had to be strong for myself. I had to try and be happy and get better.

Now here I am wondering when did everything go so wrong. I had a ton of friends then over just a few short months I was left with just two. I had hope though that things would get better and one day that I would be happy. I hold on to that hope and that's what kept my alive when I was going to kill myself and what kept me going.