Shy

Ch. 6

Have you ever felt alone? Like you could be in a room full of people and still feel alone. Well as I stand here in my gym during our pep rally I feel alone. How can you feel so alone when your whole school is in one room?
I would think what's wrong with me and why do I feel so alone. As I look around everyone is laughing, and cheering with there friends, but I'm standing here all alone. The crowd goes crazy as the football team makes there way out, but I don't. Don't get me wrong I like pep rally's, but it's usually because I can get out of class for a few minutes.
The pep rally is soon over and once again our class goes crazy trying to win the sprit stick, but we don't. Everybody starts making there way towards the hallway leaving the gym and I hate this part. I step into the hallway and everyone is with there friends and they have paint on them to show school sprit. Everyone or almost everyone is dressed up for the pep rally we had, but I'm just in our plain school uniform. I move past people and bump into people trying to get back to class and I can't help feeling sad. I remember being 12 and wanting to have a great high school experience. I wanted to have friends and on the weekends hang out with them and go to the movies and stuff. I wanted to have that kind of friendship with someone or anyone at school, but I didn't. I was just the girl everyone looked down on. I wanted that kind of friendship for as long as I could remember and I had it once, but just like that it was gone and I missed it. I got back to class before everyone else like usual since everyone had friends and I didn't. I watched as people had fun with there friends in the hallway and it made me even more sad. I got back to class and we only had 5 minutes left which suit me.
I went to lunch and sat in my usual place in the back of the lunch room, but once again no one sat at my table. There was only one other kid that sat a few seats down from me and he was also really quite. Everyday he brought a book to lunch or did homework and I would wonder how did he have the courage to do that. I would be afraid that I would get made fun of, so I didn't and I put my headphones in.
I didn't eat lunch since I don't because of my anxiety and I just got on my phone.
When the bell rang I gathered my stuff and made my way to gym since our classes were different this semester. I got to gym and went to the girls locker room to change and when I got there I saw my old friend Maya.
I remember this is where we met and now she hates me for some unknown reason.
Maya was a good friend for awhile and when I had a friend it made coming to school easier, but it ended quickly.
I got dressed and went out to the gym to do our usual workout that we did for the first 45 minutes of class. Once we were done we went outside to the football field and walked the track there. I had another friend though, but I was only a p.e buddy to her. As she was talking I zoned out and looked towards the sky and just let my mind go blank. It was winter and being in shorts and a t shirt made me even colder since I didn't bring a jacket. The cold breeze hit my hot face and it felt refreshing to me. All I wanted in that moment was to lie down in the grass and forget about everything for awhile.

That day when I was sitting in my last class of the day I felt alone once again. When I made my way out of school and waited for my ride it was lonely.
I got to my house and walked into my dark house that now didn't feel like home anymore. Nothing feels like home to me anymore and it's sad. This house is just a house to me now that protects me from rain and storms. I did my homework and when my parents got home I was told that I never help with anything. I was told that I can't do anything on my own. It was like no matter how hard I tried it would never be enough for my parents. It was always about my step sisters and how great they were, but when it came to me I was nothing but a disappointment to them. Nothing I did was good enough for them and as I made my way to my room trying to fight back the tears I thought what's wrong with me? They say I'm ruining the family and sometimes I think maybe I am. My family hurts me so much and they even made me want to kill myself, but I won't because I have better plans.
When I was 13 I remember wanting to leave my family and never coming back and just leaving everything behind and escaping from there expectations of me and there hurtful words. Now though sometimes I still want to do that when I go to college, but I can't. I can go to the ends of the earth, but I can never escape them. I would just be running away from my problems and you can't run away from those things.

As I lay in bed tonight I look towards the sky and think about my future and it's scary. It's crazy how we go through life planning out our future thinking we'll still be alive when some of us won't be. It's sad to think that just like that our whole future could just disappear just as quickly as it started.

I wake up late the next morning since it's the weekend and for awhile I just lay in bed not wanting to get out. I have no motivation to and I just look at the wall feeling down. After an hour I finally get out of bed and make my way to the living room. My mom doesn't even look up from her phone and neither does my step dad and they say I'm on my phone too much.
"Go eat some breakfast Amber." I get up and head to the kitchen, but I'm not hungry and I don't have an appetite. I head back to my room and no one even notices. I have nothing to do since my only two friends live in different states.
I don't think people get how lonely it can get and how alone you can feel when you only have two friends and both don't live close by.
I do what I always do though and put my headphones in and let the music take me away. I turn it up loud to try to drown out my thoughts, but no matter how high I turn it up they won't go away.
After an hour of doing this my mom comes into the room. "We're going out to eat so get ready."
I say "okay" and get out of bed. I don't feel like going anywhere, but I go to my vanity anyways and look at my makeup. I wouldn't say I have a lot but a good amount and I love wearing it. The reason I started wearing it was because I thought I had to because of society and because I felt ugly. When I put it on though I feel pretty, but now I don't like makeup anymore and I just feel ugly in it, so what do I do when I feel ugly both ways? I put it on and put my fake smile on and I head out to the car where they were waiting for me.
I like going out but right now I don't want to and it makes it even worse when I see the place is crowded. I hate crowded places so much, but I try to fight it.
This is hard but I'll get through this too.