Journals : Thoughts After Midnight

Never been born

April 6th, 2014

Has anyone ever felt if they were never born everyone's life would be so much better?

Well, I do, my family's life would have been so much better. My mom's life would have been easier. I mean when she calls me retarded she's right. I think of stuff that needs to be down to late. I'm lazy and I don't want to do anything around the house. I feel that I'm different because my brother and sister have a different dad. Maybe my mom didn't want me at all. Maybe she had me because she felt sorry? I don't know.

Before my mom met my father she was married to another man. She had two kids with him, my big brother and big sister, they are seven years apart but they are so close. I'm only 2-3 younger than my sister yet she's closer to him than me. Sometimes I felt they didn't love me the way they loved each other. Is this possible? Maybe if my mom just told me I had the same dad as them I wouldn't be feeling this way. 

I feel at times she loves them more because they're going to do more with their life then I will, I mean I'm still not sure what I'm going to major in in college, heck I don't even know what college I want to go to. Maybe I'm a lost cause.