Speak the Truth, Even If Your Voice Shakes

Part two: Riches to Rags

But despite the bright outlook for the tommorow that I had hoped, it too progressively fell apart. Tears fell before five. They wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't go a minute without being reminded of how worthless I was. As I diagnosed schizophrenic, I was used to the mental company, but seldomly it wasn't just company, it's was a monster. I knew what they wanted from me tonight and I refused to give them what they wanted. So I poured up the hottest water I could muster and stepped in.

The water stung my skin and the music danced among the tiled floors. I took a breath in and submerged myself under the water. It was serene, something that made the whole world stop. I stayed under as long as I could stand and pulled myself up for a breath and sank back underneath and focused on not breathing. It was quiet. They had left me alone for only seconds and those seconds were all I needed. it was only until my third time submerged that it happened.

We walked out of the building together and I stayed silent. This was church, and I couldnt understand why everyone here absolutely hated me. I had made one mistake, a moment of weakness but this is what I deserved. We arrived at his car and he looked me in the eyes and said,

"Hollie, I know we haven't been dating long, but I really care about you. I would never push you to do anything you didn't want to do. I'm not that type of guy."

I looked him in the eyes as He wrapped his arms around me and told me he cared. I looked at him and released my hold on him and walked the other way. I heard his engine start and pull out and I kept walking. Suddenly the car stopped next to the old streetlamp and I turned around and he got out of his car. He walked towards me and wrapped his arms around me and I could hear his heart beating fast against me.

'Hollie, I love you.' And then he kissed me.

My body convulsed back to life. Water spattered in my lungs and I coughed until it hurt. My heart raced and I slowly began to breathe again and the black spots started to fall from my vision. As if on cue they made their presence know with a single simple sentence.

He lied.

I lost the ability to think rationally. Nothing mattered. It was pointless to even try to calm myself down. The whispers began, slowly growing. Telling me what I had to do. I tried to breathe and to rub the necklace Adam had given me for this situation, but at this point, there was one and only one escape for the madness.

I tried my hands and shakily took off the back of my phone and removed the battery. I removed the object from the back of the phone and held it in my hand. The voices were now borderline screams, making it impossible to concentrate. I took the tiny silver object and examined it, consciously focusing on it with every ounce of strength I had. There was four little circles inside the middle, obtained by breaking a shaving razor. The edge was sharp, not used hardly. It's only indication that it had been used was the dried blood that had collected at the blade itself. I positioned it at my wrist and pulled it. I lost the ability to control it anymore. I just kept pulling. Blood began to drip into the tub and I dropped my hand into the water and cleaned it a little before more blood began to pour. My legs were sitting in front of me, preparing for the same fate, I pushed them deeper, slower, with more precision. They formed deep white crevices, only for a few seconds in which the pain was almost unbearable. The water quickly darkened in shade and began to turn red. I grabbed a white rag and held it again my bleeding thigh and watched as it turn from white to red. I waited until the water was a dark crimson before I ever stood up. My leg was covered in red water and when I stood up, so was my vision. I gripped the walls and took slow deep breaths. I pressed the rag to my leg and layed down on the white tile. I counted my breaths and slowly waited for the nausea to subside.

The silence was almost terrifying. I had given them what they wanted for the price of my body. And now I had stained a perfectly white and clean rag to the point that it was a crimson ruined piece of worthless cloth. I ruined everything. I was nothing but the stain on all things pure. That's all I ever have been. I stained him, and turned him into the very thing he was never supposed to be. And now I must pay the price.

I slowly got up and wrapped a towel around me and limped to my room, it was a slow process to get dressed but nonetheless I was able to do it in time. I wrapped up my legs in ribbons and rags and laid down with my arms wrapped around my pillow. My mind started to fall under the intoxicating feeling of exhaustion. It was in this moment when I knew my last conscious thought would be of him. Oh, how I missed him. Before I fell asleep my last thought echoed through the corners of my mind, so sure and exact that even my voices stopped for a second to ponder the words.

'If I have to feel this forever, then I'd rather feel nothing at all.'

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So it's been a few parts now and you still have No idea who this mystery guy is. Nor have you met any of my friends. These next few chapters will explain alot about friends and past relationships.

Comment and like and whatever else you do on here. I don't know. Help me with suggestions and changes I need to make. Thanks.

•Hollie Sunshine