Speak the Truth, Even If Your Voice Shakes

Part one: Breathe

"Hollie. Hollie.. Hollie!"

Adam's voice brought me back to reality, letting the flashback fade from my mind.

"What did they tell you?"

"Nothing, it was just a flashback."

He looked at me and tried to hide the fact he was hurt that I couldn't trust him with the memories. He slumped his shoulders and looked away and said, "Okay." We sat in silence as I waited for the bell to ring for my next class.

I walked into second block reluctantly and sat in my assigned seat in front of the class. I wasnt the smartest in my sophomore class, but I was head and shoulders above some of my peers. I studied history and a small part of me wanted to be a historian, with studies in religious symbolism. Yes, I know it's a bit copyrighted from Dan Brown and his main characters studies of the same field, but his books were what gave me my inspiration.

The class began and our teacher began to lecture on how history can be applied into our own town. Our town is a small town with a small shopping center with a small grocery store, a Dollar General and a few fast food places. The houses all crowded within a few miles of each other, and the farther out you travel, the more green luscious fields and small houses with farmers that make an honest living. No matter in what direction you travel, the houses disappear and the farms get larger. It's a small town where everyone and everything are connected, outsiders have a hard time fitting in. My dad's family has their roots deep inside of our small town. His mother was originally an Alford who's family were originally the first settlers here and have their own place in our little town called Alfords Bend, while his adopted father has his roots in the county over, and is widely known by the lake named after them, Thornton's lake. My mother isn't from here, her mother from Florida and her father from rural New York. She moved in as an outsider and never made her name here like the rest of us did. It's beautiful here, there is a part of me who would love to live in a big town, full of new beginnings, but I don't think I could stray from my towns roots. They flow through my veins and they are apart of me. This town molds me, and though I may despise such simple living at times, it gives me comfort to know that this is my home.

My notes for the class were scribbled with doodles, my ingenious system of notetaking I invented after the breakup my freshman year, to write notes on one side of the paper, and the doodles and lyrics that I needed to pour out to anything to clear my mind. Swirls and looped letters with lyrics that I quietly hummed quickly filled the paper and I admired my work. It was only until I was interrupted by my own mind.

No wonder he left you.

Leave me alone.

Look at you, your pathetic, he never loved you, remember.

My cranial conversation was interrupted by the sound of the bell, I quickly closed my book and walked briskly out of the lunchroom. My breaths were controlled. Using a technique called box breathing, I was able to slow down my thinking and concentrate on my surroundings. I sat down for my free period at the lunchroom table and put my head down and drowned out everything but my own thoughts of breathing.

Inhale. 1, 2, 3.

Worthless.

Hold. 1, 2, 3.

Stupid bitch.

Exhale. 1, 2, 3.

Remember all of those promises?

Hold. 1, 2, 3.

He will never love you.

The smell of coffee pierced my mind as I felt a hand slip under the table to grasp my own. I looked up and there was Adam, looking into my eyes, desperately searching into my soul for the answers that my mouth would never speak. His eyes met mine and I had failed to notice the tear that had fallen down my cheek. He was supposed to be it. Adam and I were supposed to be the lucky ones that survived and I couldn't even mentally stay faithful enough to him because I was so focused on the other. He grabbed my hand and gave me a solemn, 'I love you.' I smiled at him but once again, just like the relationship before, I found myself unable to say the words back. I looked into his eyes, memorized them once again, and layed my head down, desperate to find relief from my mind. Tomorrow is a new day, I promised myself. It will be better tomorrow.