Speak the Truth, Even If Your Voice Shakes

Part Four: Talking to myself

Fridays agony was replaced by Saturdays sweet bliss. There was nothing to do, nowhere to go, and frankly that's all I needed. The day went by normal, alone. Hidden smoke filled the forest air as the cigarette filled the crevices of my lungs. and personally, the knowing it would kill me was just fine. I took a breath of air and blocked all thoughts out. Sometimes, you have to.

The world seemed perfect in that moment. There wasn't a care anywhere near and the woods seemed to wrap me in it's shaded sunlight, begging to comfort me. The light tickled the trees and I almost could hear a sigh in the woods. There was a silence in the woods that was so loud it was deafening. My own voice broke the silence, talking to the tree, yearning for it to know a part of me, my story. To tell the tree of my pain and misery and to see if maybe it would understand. It started off slow, shaky, and I don't think it ever changed.

"I was born 16 years ago. I have a brother a year younger. My parents are divorced. Neither of them claim us. When I was eight my mom remarried and we moved away with her and she had my other brother. Her husband beat her. His sons raped me and their cousin. And they were never convicted of jailtime. Just parole. My dad took custody and I tried for drown myself at 12 cause the fighting was so bad. I moved back with mom and when everything got back in some normal pattern of events for the first time in my life, a boy came along and wrecked everything. My mother has left me and my brother too. We live with our grandmother, overprotective and mean. And now he graduates in 12 days, what do I do?"

I looked at the tree, half hoping for some kind of response. I was so naive. I hit the tree and tears started to fall. I begged the tree to say sonething, and as I pleaded for the last time I crumpled in a pile under the tree, holding my legs and crying. I grabbed another cigarette and hoped that it would take the edge away. My lungs filled with smoke and the sniffing stopped. There was always that bliss after the breakdown. A quiet peaceful feeling over the body that makes the crying and the sadness feel better.

It was heartwarming and gut wrenching all at once and that was the hardest part. There was the calm after the storm, it overtook my body and gave me a false sense of relief.

And that was the hardest part. And in that moment I was perfectly content and utterly miserable. A terrible contradiction. A beautiful comparison.

My mind began to lose it's cloud that had fallen over it, and I began to think logically, my mind wandered back to a place where I lived. In my past. The voices stayed in a quiet reverance. Knowing that I had been pushed far enough.

The rain started pouring and I was caught with you under an awning. You held out your jacket and hugged me silently, a smile draped across your face. I sent you a text when you got home, and the conversation sent me dancing around my room.

"Your so sweet."

"No Hollie, you are."

"Your sweet like sugar."

"No you are, I gave you my jacket because I didn't want my sugar to melt in the rain."

I came back to reality reluctantly, wondering what I did wrong. The silence was absolutely painful to my ears and maybe this was what it was always supposed to be. I hated him. But I still loved him, and the reality pierced through my and lit my skin aflame and my heart into my toes. It was the painful reality of what was happening in two weeks that I could not bare to face, and even in the loud thoughts of what to do, I was able to hear a faint voice give me my ill reminder.

12 days.

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So the next part I'll be introducing a new character, someone of almost as equally as important as him. I think I'll keep the name a mystery, unless I decide otherwise. I think I'll come out with it in the end.

Vote, comment, and follow or whatever the hell you do. Let me know of any suggestions or changes in a comment. Anyway keep yoloing.

-Hollie Sunshine