Amazing Grace: My Chains Are Gone (AU Niam Horayne)

Chapter 17 +

Chapter 17

December- Senior

[Niall’s POV]

I was sitting on the couch at 3 in the morning watching static. I think I’m losing it. I don’t even know if I’ve ever had it. I’ve been losing my mind for a while. Maybe it’s because my mother threatened to harm Liam if the cops became involved. I get that she’s in prison, but she could still be relentless. And what about my dad? We haven’t heard from him and my mother hasn’t released any information about him.

I sat in the silence and what the black and white flicker across the television. I hadn’t been able to sleep for a while now. I’m not just talking about tonight either. It’s been a while since sleep has graced me as a friend. All of these restless nights are beginning to get to me. But it’s because of the nightmares.

None of them are ever the same. They all constantly keep changing and becoming more and more realistic. It sends shivers down my spine the more I think about them. I don’t want to keep screaming throughout the night and keep the Payne’s awake, so I just don’t sleep. I tend to doze off occasionally, but never for long periods of time.

Now I’m living in constant fear. What if my nightmares come to life? What if they don’t keep my mother in jail? There are too many possibilities about what could happen and I really don’t want to keep having to second guess everything.

I sat there and contemplated everything as I kept my eyes on the screen. The consistency of the flickering was the only thing keeping me calm. It was so much more consistent than me or anything in my life. Well besides Liam, but he’s Liam of course.

Liam is just always there. This past time though, he could’ve gotten hurt. It would’ve been all my fault. If Liam had gotten hurt, I would’ve never forgiven myself. I’d rather die than watch him get hurt by my accord.

I bit my nails, as thoughts began to travel inside of my head. Liam getting hurt was presenting itself with various scenarios that eventually cause a migraine to occur. I just needed to stop thinking about the worst predicament and maybe start thinking, and hoping for the best.

But it’s harder than it seems. How can you possibly hope for the best when there’s no light? When everything seems shrouded in darkness and you fear it, what is there left to do? As hope seems to vanish bit by bit, you realize that in the long run, you have no hope left. I still have my faith, but lately, it seems as though my faith has been slowly fading away as well.

At this rate, what will I have? I suppose I’ll be the shell of the person I once was. I could always try and change things up, but I have no drive to do so. All I really want to do is sleep. I want to sleep and as of now, I never want to wake up.

I dropped my head in my hands and dragged them along my face. My burns, now becoming scars, were just another reminder of how things have been. I was burned and it all seemed to stop. Everyone stopped their lives for me. I didn’t want that. I wanted everyone to keep living their lives.

Except for me.

In those moments, if the flames had burned me whole, I feel as though I would’ve been okay with that. Maybe it’s because I’m losing my mind, or maybe I’ve just lost too much. My sanity hasn’t been whole for a long time now. God knows when’s the last time I’ve had a decent week in which my sanity was intact.

I looked back up at the flickering screen. It was just so soothing. Peaceful I suppose, compared to the life I was living. It’s sad how most people would view this as a broken channel, but rather, I think I see it differently. I see it as a way of release. A way to just think. Maybe I just need a bit of peace.